THIS ONE’S NOT FOR THE BIRDS

SEE BELOW.
For more winning entries go to The Thinker's Theory of Thought.

THE 2006 "SYTYCB" WINNING ENTRY

TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR REMODELING.

A NEW YEAR'S EVE TRIBUTE

The most difficult public reading I’ve ever done occurred on January 3, 2004, at the Chas. Verheyden Funeral Home in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. My father-in-law had died from complications related to Parkinson’s Disease on New Year’s Eve, and as my wife made phone call after phone call where she was greeted with “Happy New Year,” I sat in my mother-in-law’s living room putting together his eulogy. Although I’ve lost my original words, I still have four small notecards in my nightstand, a semi-outlined presentation of what I needed to say. In honor of my father-in-law, I’ve recreated those words. What better way to end my last post of 2006 then to pay tribute to a man I loved with all my heart and still miss. Here it is:

Parkinson’s is a funny disease. Some of you may have already heard this story; however, it’s worth telling again. One day, C___ and I went to visit her dad at his home. We knew with Parkinson’s that he had good days and bad days. On this particular day I needed to borrow a battery charger. I thought he had one, I just couldn’t recall how many volts it was or where he had kept it. All I could recall was that it was the color blue. After our visit, I told C___ “your dad was really sharp today. He told me his battery charger was on his workbench in the basement and the correct voltage and that I was more than welcome to borrow it.”

On the drive home, battery charger by my side, I had determined that he was having a good day. It didn’t matter, as C___ pointed out, that he did not know who we were on this particular occasion. It did not matter that he did not know his very own daughter or son-in-law. You see: He was willing to help out a complete stranger on that very day. That was the type of man he was—a quiet, gentle, generous man.

Parkinson’s is a funny disease. But it did not define him. It only magnified his character. In the nursing home he smoked his imaginary pipe. Why? Because he had smoked a pipe for years. He gave me imaginary money from his imaginary wallet. Why? Because he had always bought me dinner and drinks. He showed concern for his income tax. Why? Because he was an accountant for GM and didn’t want to miss his filing deadline. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t done his taxes in years. He also traveled plenty. He took his wife of 45 years on numerous cruises. He even paid for my vacation more than once. Two years ago, when he was in the nursing home, before we sprung him from the joint, he complained (but only mildly) that “this is the worst cruise ship I’ve ever stayed on.”

Although he had Parkinson’s, he never lost his motivation to walk. I can only guess that it was from all those years of waltzing with his wife. He never ever complained. He served his country in WWII. He wasn’t too fond of having his picture taken; however, earlier this week, we managed to find approximately 700 photos of him. Since he was 81, I’m sure there are even more pictures. If you haven’t had the opportunity to see parts of the DVD slide show I put together, please take a moment in celebrating his life with us. In closing: Daniel S____ will be missed, but not forgotten.

To start the new year off with a bang, I will repost my winning entry of The Thinker's 2006 Championship Round of the SYTYCB Contest (So You Think You Can Blog). Here’s to the year 2007! May we enjoy it to the fullest.

I NOW HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER

I wish I could get my brain to function at a four or five star Sudoku level at regular intervals where my recollections of events fall into place with ease. I’m not necessarily speaking about the digits one through nine either, instead, I like doing those sixteen digit puzzles with an added twist of filling in the diagonals correctly. Unfortunately my mind doesn’t always see things clearly and I end up relying on luck. When I write, I’m constantly checking the dictionary and thesaurus for a better word, a more comfortable word, and to be quite frank, there aren’t many words that I’m comfortable with. So, just like a Sudoku puzzle where I arbitrarily test a number, I usually settle for my original choice and hope that I made an adequate decision.

Back in my college days, a drinking buddy talked me into celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish Pub even though neither of us is Irish. There’s not much about that night that I remember. I’m not even sure if we were at the Blarney Stone or the Shamrock. I do know one thing, or maybe two things—no, make that three things. I drove. I sang along with the house band. And I drank way too much green beer. The next morning I could hardly function. My buddy gave me a wake-up call.

“Hey,” he said, “Did you have fun last night.”

“Too much,” I answered.

“Did you forget something?” he asked.

I thought about his question. I remembered going to the bathroom near the entrance of the pub and then stepping outside for some fresh air, but very little else. “No … not really,” I guessed.

After a brief moment of silence, he yelled into the receiver, “Me, you asshole!”

With New Year’s Eve fast approaching and plenty of parties to attend make sure your travel arrangements are in order. Drinking and driving isn’t worth the risk. I’ve had my share of close calls and have witnessed first hand the misery of certain individuals locked up for vehicular manslaughter. Today’s photo shows my designated driver taking her road test at a very early age. Thirty-some years later, her skills have come in handy, carting me arse from place to place when absolutely necessary.

B-I-N-G-O & BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O

I overheard a conversation in the employee lunchroom the other day between the Assistant Deputy Warden for Programs (ADW) and a School Officer about Bingo. Before I go into the details, let me explain how crowd control works at our facility and throughout the Michigan Department of Corrections. First of all, each inmate receives a printout of their itinerary for the day. Everything from a kitchen detail to weight pit to church to school. Security has always been a concern, and now that a computer can track each inmate’s whereabouts, every breathing body should be easily accounted for. All inmates must show their photo id and itinerary to gain access to an area. None of this, “I have so-and-so’s permission to be here.”

Now back to the conversation. The ADW for Programs wanted to know why the School Officer did not make allowances for prisoners enrolled in academic classes to play Bingo in the school. The School Officer informed him that it was not on their itinerary. “But they’re not in class this week,” the ADW for Programs pointed out. “Then someone should’ve changed their itinerary ahead of time,” the School Officer countered.

Both employees had valid arguments as to why or why not certain inmates could or could not play Bingo; however, security always prevails. The bottom line: If some event on an inmate’s itinerary is canceled that doesn’t mean the inmate can change his plans for the day—a done deal is a done deal. The School Officer was doing his J-O-B. He even caught a few inmates out of place and shook them down. I’m not sure if part of the Bingo prizes were peppermint candies, Hershey Kisses, and bite-sized candy bars, but I will say this, “The extra boost in sugar helped me get through the day.”

Incidentally, the last time I played Bingo was with my mother in a smoke-filled church hall. I remember a rather large woman asking if the chair next to me was occupied. I nodded no, and she proceeded to push my two bingo cards to the edge of the table so she could lay out her forty-some cards. By the way: Isn’t Bingo gambling?

ANOTHER DAY IN THE JOINT

I could’ve taken that stretch of time off between Christmas and the New Year and traveled south for some much needed rest and relaxation, but I chose to work instead. My fondest memory of a vacation where I did absolutely nothing is probably the time my wife and I rented a condominium in Orlando, Florida. My alarm clock came in the form of a leaf blower humming along at the crack of dawn. Angry, I had decided to give the lawn maintenance person an earful. Only problem: he did not a-speaka-da-English. So I got up early and read a novel by Sue Miller appropriately titled, “The Distinguished Guest.” I had become familiar with her work back in the mid-80’s with a subscription to Ploughshares. Her short story, “What Ernest Says,” not only peeked my interest in her writing—the story itself, about the relationship between a young white girl and a black boy who sat directly behind her in class—made me realize that not everything appears as it should.

I decided to work this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday in the prison. The best time to be in a correctional facility is during the holidays because most of the prisoners are too damned depressed to argue with you. Funny thing is, when I first went into teaching I had one thing in mind: summers off and lots of vacation time. I remember my mentor, Mrs. Lillian Fishtahler (pictured above, January 4, 1988), telling me that vacations wouldn’t be easy to come by. “Are you kidding me?” I asked, somewhat surprised at her statement. Now I understand. She encouraged me to continue my studies and perhaps was the only staff member at Oakland University who understood my need to work while doing my student teaching. Who else was going to pay my school bill?

So, as a correctional educator, not everything appears as it should. I’m spending my three workdays scoring tests, writing student evaluations, and replenishing the handouts in my file cabinets. Although my prisoner contact is minimal this week, I’m looking forward to a better 2007, where I can help a few of them obtain their GED.

BUILDING A BETTER WACKENHUT

Now that Christmas has come and went, I guess I’ll go ahead and mention the most interesting gift I received. We all get them, that one thing that we really don’t need but for some reason get because it defines who we are. This year’s most interesting gift came from my wife: Prison Tycoon.

According to the back cover, private prisons have become the new growth industry. Although I haven’t played it yet, the object to this computer game is to turn a profit while dealing in human misery. I have to build a small dormitory, mess hall, school, and factory. Also, I must hire and control prison staff, set up and run my prison industries, influence prisoner morale through various activities, establish a sound reputation, and manage prisoner sentences from time off for good behavior to rehabilitation (yeah, sure).

As I become successful in running my low security prison, the level of difficulty will increase. More gang related incidents will occur. More violence. Even murder. The inside cover, under “Getting Started,” warns the potential gamer that they will not be able to build a death row right away. Imagine that. Should I be disappointed in not having the ability to pull the switch on an inmate? Here’s to hoping my newest gift will help reduce work related stress. If not, there’s always that one liter bottle of Seagram’s VO my mother-in-law bought me for Christmas.

What unusual gift did you get this year?

FINDING MYSELF NEVER SATISFIED

When you know where the story’s going, and you know what you need to accomplish, you tend to approach the structure of the novel with the sensibility of a car mechanic. You want to get into the engine and tinker. There’s a satisfaction in just making the damn thing run.
—Allen Morris Jones, author of Last Year’s River

I’m no mechanic. I don’t like getting my hands dirty. Something about grease under my fingernails bothers me to no end. I won’t even change the oil on my van, preferring instead the $19.95 Jiffy Lube special. My dad’s just the opposite, a retired toolmaker, he doesn’t mind looking under the hood of a vehicle or crawling below it with a wrench. When I announced that I was quitting engineering school, he was quick to ask, “What’re you going to do? I’m not going to let you live here and work some piddly job. You better have a plan.”

The only real plan I had was to “find myself,” to move on to the next challenge in life and to discover my place in the world. Shortly after dumping my college major, he lined up a factory job for me as a sweeper. I quickly declined the offer. “All these years I’ve worked there, paying the bills and putting food on our table," he said, "and now it’s not good enough for you!”

The real irony about my not working in a factory is that I think I would’ve become acclimated to the environment quite easily. It’s not hard for me to imagine myself going to the Paper Clip Lounge every day, having a liquid lunch, and kibitzing with a bunch of assembly line workers. Hell, I’d probably fight for the overtime too. What terrified me the most about my dad’s offer was that I might become too complacent. I never set foot in his manufacturing plant, even though he had worked there for most of his forty years of employment—sixteen years of it on the midnight shift.

I remember eating cold cereal in the morning while he poured himself a beer and tomato juice and told my brother and I to “have a good day at school.” On the weekends we’d go to our family cottage and ride minibikes up and down the street and through the woods while he tinkered away on a spare minibike in the garage. Today’s photo shows the very same Suzuki 50 I rode some thirty year ago. It’s in mint condition. My parent’s store it in their walk out basement. Click here to see me as a child, zooming down the road, my destination unknown. I’m still trying to find my niche in life.

CHRISTMAS MORNING

The weight of my stocking pulled the brass holder off the fireplace mantle and onto the wood laminate flooring. Nothing broke, I can assure you of that, having left my stocking lying there until morning, but it most certainly awoke me in the middle of the night. Considering my young age and sense of practicality—I don’t believe in fat men sliding down chimneys unless they’re of criminal mind (you read about such characters getting stuck and crying for help until the police arrive, or worse: suffocating in their own stupidity)—so I rolled over and went back to sleep.

My wife says I can sleep through a plane crash in our backyard, but for some reason, today I had to get up early and investigate the damage. My greatest concern was that the brass stocking holder chipped the wood laminate; however, the only real damage happened to be a few broken Werther’s Original Candies that undoubtedly softened the blow. I thought about unsavory characters, the Billy Bob Thornton type, doing B & E’s and stealing presents from under Christmas trees. Of course, this would be perfectly acceptable if some tragic circumstance, some malady, some horrible affliction, motivated Mr. Bad Santa to overcome electronic burglar alarm systems and locked doors. Hey, what can I say—a Santa Claus of this nature interests me a hell of a lot more than some good natured jolly old man spreading joy and cheer all over the world for no real apparent reason except to make us forget about our troubles. Let’s be real—Christmas Day to some only magnifies their unfortunate circumstances. I’d rather take a look under the microscope and see if I can come up with some of the dirt, some of the unfortunate events that most people would rather ignore. Isn't that what makes a character interesting? I leave you with some advice on creating fictional characters from John Dufresne:

Once I get to know a character, I want to know even more about them, so I keep digging into their pasts. And I also feel that every character in a story is the central character in his or her own story, and I try to suggest what that story might be. Every character has an imagination and memories, has suffered childhood traumas, has or has had a mom and a dad. Every character has regrets. Every character has secrets. Every character has a public self and a private self and a self that he doesn’t even know about.. Every character has a history, a formative past. And I need to know all that when I write the story. I want to tell what happened in a character’s life. But I want to know why it happens and I want what happens to be told in a surprising way, surprising for me and for the reader.

WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND

I worried what people would think of me when they read “The Widow’s Poet,” and whether anyone would publish it. Eventually, I was able to face down my fears, and tell myself that I can write anything I want if I’m willing to take responsibility for it.
—Melissa Pritchard

I’ll admit it, I’m one of those people you see on the news frantically shopping for presents on Christmas Eve. I’d like to tell you otherwise, that I put a lot of thought and planning into finding just the right gifts, but then I’d be telling you a bold face lie.

When I was a high school senior and working at a small town grocery store, the manager sold me a case of toilet paper on Christmas Eve right before closing time. While the cashiers counted their tills and the stockboys shagged carts and mopped floors, I haphazardly wrapped my gift in glossy advertisements. I didn’t think of the message I might be sending to my parents. You bought this, my dad’s expression seemed to indicate, because you think we’re full of what?

When I was dating my future-wife, about eight years after the TP episode, she confessed that her family had a unique gift exchange tradition. “You don’t have to go shopping,” I heard her say, “just pick out something from your home, something you no longer need that might give my family some insight as to who you are. And don’t worry about fancy paper, ribbons, or bows, wrap it in the comics instead.” I thought, Wow, here’s a girl near and dear to my heart!

Although I can’t remember exactly what I had given on our first Christmas Eve together (I think it was a variety of magnetic locker mirrors), I do remember drawing a low card and having to wait my turn to select a gift. I also remember the gift I brought going early in the first round. My feelings of joy and anticipation turned to anxiety when someone groaned at having opened a hideous looking candle that had been passed around year after year. As for me, when it was my turn, I received a box of laxatives.

A HORSE WITH NO NAME

Even the most ordinary lives, once you begin to press on them a little, reveal themselves to be full of the most affecting pathos.
—Vikram Chandra, author of Love and Longing in Bombay.

It’s so easy to say “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year,” yet at work I’ve omitted it from my repertoire. These expressions, along with “Good Morning,” have been shelved for quite some time. Not that I’m wishing ill will on the prisoners, I really really do hope that their holidays are filled with peace. But after fifteen years, I’ve become condition to saying things a little differently. For instance: instead of the usual “Good Morning,” I say, “Morning.” I used to slip up and the usual response was, “What the &%#!@ is so damned good about it?!!!”

Yesterday, a few of the inmates wished me a “Merry Christmas,” and I did not reciprocate. A simple “Thanks” was all I said. They understood. Other inmates waited around for a “Merry Christmas” in return. To them I said, “Hey, try not to have a shitty holiday.” Laughing, they understood too.

As for saying nothing at all, the coworker I had problems with signed his retirement papers the day he and I had the blow out, and I, in turn, did not sign his farewell card. He is gone. I did not tell him to enjoy his retirement. What’s the point? No matter where he goes, a cloud of misery will follow. Here’s to wishing him well. And I seriously mean it. If I didn’t, he’d still be looking for his car keys .

Now it’s time to get the show on the road. Snow or no snow, Christmas is here! Time to spend it with family and friends. When I see my brother (if he hasn’t already read this post), I’ll tell him that the horse was definitely mine. It was the start of a natural progression. From there I became an American Indian (somehow mistaken for a squaw). After that, I became Gene Autry, the singing cowboy.

Before I ramble on any further: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE NEAR AND FAR.

THE HORSE & THE TRACTOR

I lived on a little farm in the mountains, really an old-timey farm. We didn’t have a car or truck or tractor. We plowed with a horse, kept our milk and butter in the springhouse, that sort of thing.
—Robert Morgan, author of Gap Creek

The horse and the tractor, cherished then neglected, more influential to me now, then when my brother and I unwrapped each during Christmas. The horse, in all its natural beauty, belonged to me, a future teacher of convicted felons (go figure); the tractor—a John Deere or Farm All, depending on the color paint—belonged to my brother, the future engineer in the family. Both gifts seemed appropriate not only to us, but also to the giver, our grandfather, a Michigan farmer.

I’m not sure how much influence a single toy has on a child. It’s the cumulativeness of it all that makes the difference. A constant barrage of Barbie dolls, Madeline Tea Sets, Easy-Bake Ovens, and Nifty Knitters may bring out the femininity in a young male. Not that I ever received such gifts; My beating came in the form of Halloween costume accessories. Other than that, we received Little Tikes Tool Benches, GI Joes, and Bop'em Boxing Gloves. Our young father, looking onward, certainly approved of these choices.

The horse and the tractor. The horse is a more gender-neutral offering. Young mothers, faced with a decision, would choose the horse before the tractor for their daughters. The tractor, on the other hand, seems to be gender specific.

When I look at this picture (it’s the only one where I’m sitting on my grandfather’s lap) I can’t help but think of the Huron Daily Tribune, about my grandfather's tragic accident. I was eight or nine years old at the time. I’m sure my mother still has the article tucked away somewhere. And I’m most certain there’s a newspaper photo of a car being pulled from the frigid waters beyond the pier, the chain taut, neither horse, nor tractor, hauling it away.

TWO HOUSES, ONE ASSIGNMENT

Last weekend I had carrot cake and coffee at The Pasta House in Kinde, Michigan. I never thought I'd do it. There's nothing there. A post office, a gas station, and The Pasta House.

I also set foot in The House of Sternberg. Literally. He's a retired educator who still enjoys dishing out homework. His lastest assignment: Write a 1,000 word (or less) short story dealing with a weird addiction. His circle of fellow writers/bloggers discuss each other's work after the assignment is turned in (posted).

Since I'm a man of few words, I graciously accepted his assignment. If you haven't read my story, "Adopted Behaviors," then scroll downward; it's my last post. For more short stories on weird addictions, go to The House of Sternberg. Better yet, if you're a fiction writer, look for his next assignment. I was pleasantly surprised at the comments everyone left regarding my story. More comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

A. B. (FLASH FICTION)

The subject matter is dictated in part by my subconscious, and I don’t care to force it to behave one way or another.—Rick Moody



Currently up for adoption. Wish me luck!

REEXAMINING THE EVIDENCE

Please don’t prosecute me for something you’ve probably read months before. I presented my tale, "A Creative Nonfiction Escape," to demonstrate how close I actually came to being arrested. Then I deleted my incriminating statement.



Once again, here is the real evidence in the form of a picture. Notice the busted windshield. Do you see its flaw? Do you see its cracked web of deceit on the passenger’s side? Ask yourself, "Is the writer telling the whole truth, or is something missing?" Maybe he should’ve been sent to prison. Where is his original statement?

Read my prose at Foliate Oak Online Literary Magazine. You be the judge. And don’t forget to leave a comment.

THE ENCOUNTER AT NORMAN'S

I’ve always considered myself the creep magnet, drawing anything out of the norm into my magnetic field. The buggered-up child with a prosthetic arm grabbing the tail of my shirt. The town drunk cleaning his glass eye with a yellowish handkerchief while giving me directions. The three-hundred pound welfare mom with an affectionate smile and a business card that says, “Jesus is your savior.” I sometimes wonder why they gravitate toward me or vice-versa. In college I dated a militant gal, president of the NOW Chapter (National Organization of Women) at Oakland University. One time—the last time to be honest—I stopped over to her house unannounced and her mom informed me she was in the backyard. I saw her lying in a chaise lounge sunning herself. As we began to talk, I noticed that two of her toes on each foot were connected but had individual toenails. My eyes couldn’t help looking at them. Over and over. Without offering an explanation, and perhaps a bit irritated, she put on some tennis shoes. I had learned later on that her feet were a less severe result from a drug that her mother once took during pregnancy. I was dating a thalidomide baby.

As the late Jim Morrison would say, “People are strange,” and it’s sure nice to see the tables turned once in a blue moon, especially when I’m one aisle over, listening to a lopsided conversation through the shoe racks. We’re at Norman’s in Bad Axe, Michigan, perusing their irregular clothing and other slightly odd merchandise. They buy truckloads of defective stuff and sell it at discounted prices; seems appropriate, doesn’t it? Anyway, this seventy-year-old man in bib overalls and a Dickie ball cap (that’s how my wife described him) says, “I bet I know where you got that purse.”

My wife looks in the direction of two young children goofing around in the middle of the aisle before she realizes the man is speaking to her. She detects a strong body odor.

“I bet I know where you got that purse,” he repeats now that they’ve made eye contact.

Not knowing how to reply, my wife answers as if it were a knock-knock joke. “Where?”

“Around your shoulder,” he says, his eyes moving downward.

With a nervous smile, my wife clutches her purse closer to her body.

“Are those your kids?” he asks.

Before she can say yes a woman peaks her head around the corner and yells, “Get over here! Now!” The children disappear.

“Are you by yourself?” he continues.

“No,” my wife’s quick to answer, her voice getting a bit louder, “I’m here with my husband.”

“He gave me the creeps,” she said to me afterward.

“Welcome to my world,” I replied.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE MOXIE

You are looking at Moxie, the latest addition to my extended family of pets. He’s faster than you think, faster than myself. I’ve always been the type of person that’s slow to react to given situations whether it be dealing with a manipulative coworker, throwing an inmate out of my classroom, or changing this blog to the beta version. I guess we’re all creatures of habit, trying to stay within our comfort zones. For the most part, I don’t like change.

The crazy loon I dealt with on Wednesday prior to my going home in frustration and anger signed his retirement papers that day. He should’ve never been allowed to work for the Michigan Department of Corrections for twelve years. His personnel records may be larger than some of the inmates’ criminal files. Come mid January he’ll be able to substitute teach in a public school (I cringe at the thought of it). At least this is a good change for me. Knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll try to tough it out.

As for inmate stupidity, I had to answer a questionnaire regarding Prisoner Otto's whereabouts for the three days he did not attend my class. According to the Hearing Investigation Report the prisoner says he attended class and he would like the security cameras checked. I had to provide a written statement in regards to the following: Is it possible that this prisoner was in your class on 12/07/06 and missed being counted? Explain why or why not. No. Mr. Otto did not attend my class on the day in question. He was informed prior to this date that he must attend my class regularly. Also, on 12/11/06 and 12/12/06, he did not attend. School Officer Triplet discovered him in another classroom. "Out of Place / AWOL" tickets were written. (I jokingly told the Hearing Investigator that perhaps they could check the security camera in regards to my latest incident with the crazy coworker; she told me she only handles inmate situations.)

Lastly, this beta blogger switch has me puzzled. Did I miss a window of opportunity? In an attempt to convert, I’m told that I can not make the necessary change. Why is that? Do I have too many post? I don’t think so. I could start a new blog instead. I feel lost in the blogosphere. Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated.

KOOKY IS AS KOOKY DOES

A fellow coworker has been harassing me for far too long. His latest tactic: When no one’s around, except for the security camera in the hallway, he’ll turn his back toward me and in a deep baritone voice say, "Excuse me." He’s not trying to start a friendly conversation. Calling me "a punk" and suggesting I take a swing at him severed all forms of communication (except for memorandums) approximately three years ago. No, this coworker, who claims he’s retiring at the first of the year, is once again trying to provoke a fight—his last ditch effort to get me to do something that will get me fired and perhaps line his pockets with cash.

Yesterday, as I sat in my classroom preparing for my first hour, he stood outside my door and said, "Excuse me." I didn’t acknowledge him. So he said it again, "Excuse me." Then a third time, "Excuse me." When I finally looked up, he was gone. As I proceeded to the office, he stood by his classroom door waiting for me to pass. "Excuse me," he said, once again turning the other way.

"I don’t know what to make of it," I told my boss, "but I’m requesting an intervention with him right now." She knew exactly who I was referring to. I figured I had nothing to lose, perhaps we could air our differences.

She asked him, "Why are you continuously saying ‘Excuse me’ to Mr. T.?"

First he denied saying anything at all, then he claimed I almost bumped into him in the hallway (hmmm, wouldn’t the security camera have that on tape?). Then he started making faces at me while our boss spoke. Totally creeped out, I said, "I’m not going to put up with this nonsense. I’m going home." I have plenty of banked leave time, so I might as well use it. Hopefully, when I return, he’ll be gone.

GIVE THE MAN-CHILD A PACIFIER

If you’re a bleeding heart liberal and I tell you a bold face lie that the Michigan Department of Corrections number one goal is to rehabilitate prisoners you’d probably believe me. If, on the other hand, you’re an ultra right wing conservative and I tell you that the MDOC’s main objective is to punish each and every inmate for their past criminal behavior, again, you’d probably take me for my word. But guess what? Neither statement is correct.

Anyone believing in rehabilitation needs to take a long hard look at the people incarcerated. We’re not talking about puppies and sunshine here. We’re talking about pathological liars and thieves. I use the word "thieves" loosely—meaning killers (thieves for stealing lives), rapists (thieves for stealing sex), thugs (thieves for stealing someone’s health or destroying their property), and robbers (thieves for stealing money and personal belongings). Most prisoners, when opportunities arise, will prey on your weaknesses, and if they get caught doing something they shouldn’t, they’ll turn around and blame their victim. Here’s a simple example: An inmate in my classroom continuously turned up missing. I wrote two consecutive "Out of Place" tickets on him. "You lied on me," he said, "I came to school. I was in another classroom." He felt that it was okay to be where he shouldn’t have been because the other teacher never said anything to him. What kind of shit is that?

Let me get back on track. The main objective of the MDOC is to protect the public at all cost. Pacify these men, if you will, with basketball, softball, weight pit, floor hockey, Ping-Pong and many other recreational activities. Pacify these men with ESPN, ESPN2, FX, MTV, BET, VH1, Spike, SciFi, TNT,USA, A&E, CMT, Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, National Geographic, The History Channel, and many other cable stations. (Yes, they have cable television. In fact, they get more channels then I do.) Lastly, wouldn’t you feel better knowing that some asswipe is off the streets doodling away his time in prison instead of looking for his next victim? I know I sure would.

THE REAL STORY

Elves, don’t you understand what you have done? You both became so angry with one another that you forgot to make your toys out of love. You put so much bad feeling into making these toys that they came to life with anger inside them.
—Santa Claus, "The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat."


Always the skeptic, my version of Jessica and Owen’s discovery of a kitten and puppy on Christmas Eve takes a serious turn for the worse. These two wayward critters—didn’t they fall from Santa’s sleigh and wander the night through the forest?—aren’t cute and cuddly; they’re mangy, they’re damaged goods. They’re not so much put together by warring elves, no sirree—one’s from a puppy mill and the other came from love-passionate screaming alley cats. That’s how the procreation equation factors in.

Reality may be harsh, not at all like the story’s fairy tale ending where the Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog find harmony and love in their new home, where the brother and sister lovingly share and look after each other’s pet. Ask an animal shelter employee about the busiest time of the year and they will tell you, "We get more animals right after the holidays. As soon as the novelty of owning a pet wears off."

Speaking of pets, my wife and I are still feeling the sting from the loss of Bear, our black lab. We’ve found remnants of him under throw rugs and furniture. No more discussion about another dog yet. My wife’s been unusually kind to me lately, perhaps she’ll bring it up soon. Yesterday, she packed my lunch—homemade chili with beans, onions, and a cheese and sour cream topping. She hates beans, I should’ve known something was seriously wrong with her sudden act of kindness. It wasn’t until I arrived home from work and my stomach was doing backflips, that I realized where she had gotten the idea: leftovers from when our dog was sick and eating cheap hamburger and rice. I guess she thought I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between good hamburger and cheap hamburger.

EXPOSED, THE SHOWER SCENE

Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay just a little while longer? Just for talk?
—Norman Bates, Psycho


Someone commented on my last post about the JR Thumbprints Band. I can assure you there is no such monster. I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and I’m almost certain that if I tried to sing in the shower something dark and sinister would happen to me. I can see the knife’s shadow rising and falling, rising and falling, a continuous violent jerking motion straight out of Alfred Hitchcock’s movie Psycho, rising and falling, my poor defenseless forearms giving way to the attacker, my hands grabbing the shower curtain, the eyelits tearing away from the hooks.

Such horrific thoughts are unnecessary. I am not a warbler. There’s no sense in committing to a New Year’s resolution, where at the stroke of midnight I say to my wife, “Okay dear, I promise to never ever hide the kitchen knives from you again.”

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, soon the gym I workout at will be crawling with new members. Physical trainers will be demonstrating how each weight machine functions and how to punch in the personal FitLinx code. If only they’d give our new members a complete tour of the facilities. Last year, while lathering up, I saw an Indian woman standing at the entrance. She sent her seven or eight year old daughter through the men’s shower area and into the locker room to use the bathroom. I turned my naked derriere toward them. I wanted to yell something, but nothing came out—the knife—rising and falling—rising and falling.

RAISE YOUR GLASS

Why do we read fiction? The answer is simple. We read it because fiction, as an image of life, stimulates and gratifies our interest in life.
—Robert Penn Warren

Why do I write nonfiction? To deaden that sense.
—JR’s Thumbprints

I have one small announcement to make. Nothing as grandiose as the belated toast I gave in a crowded church hall, a toast to my brother and his wife, where I said, “For those of you who did not attend their wedding, don’t feel bad—neither did I.” I’ve never been one to make excuses or vague references to anything unusual I did or did not do. What I have to say really isn’t that big of a deal at all, so I’ll just come right out and say it, “This is my 200th post.” I’ve been blogging now for 8 months straight, which is not that long of a time. More like the tail end of a sentence. Shit, I know inmates that can do eight months standing on their heads.

A few weeks back I clipped a blurb out of the Detroit Free Press’s Asked and Answered Section. The question: Just how many blogs are there? According to Technorati, the blogosphere doubles every 6½ months, or 175,000 new blogs each day, or 2 new blogs per second. The 50 millionth blog allegedly came into existence on July 31,2006. The Freep quotes David Weinberger, a new-media advocate, “On the Web, everyone will be famous to 15 people.”

I’m a firm believer on setting time limits on anything I do. My blogging days, like so many other fellow bloggers, will eventually come to an end. Andy Warhol was absolutely correct, “Everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame.” I’m not sure whether I’ve had mine or not, but I do know this—my uncertainty keeps me going.

"THE FURNACE" WENT OUT

Why is it so damned difficult for a small literary magazine to survive in Detroit? Not one, not two, but several competing journals have been in Chicago for as long as I can remember. So why not Detroit? Not the Metropolitan Detroit area, but the heart of the city. Detroit.


In the Fall of 2002, a journal called “The Furnace,” promised to hang around for eternity, at least that’s the way I saw it, showcasing local writers, artists, and photographers. I actually believed them, or wanted to, and mailed off a check for a one-year subscription of four issues. Little did I know it would take 2 ½ years for me to get those four issues. But my faith never wavered. Some of my very own short stories appeared in issues 2, 3, and 4 (that probably says it all). What can I say? They had my local support.

I liked the anonymous Chrysler millwright’s metal magazine racks that held “The Furnace” face out; the metal flames concealing too much of the magazine, but drawing the attention of a few wayward customers at Café De Troit, Eph McNally’s Deli, and Avalon International Breads. I even tried to gauge the success of the magazine by some of the writers appearing in it: Jenny Bitner, Best American Nonrequired Reading 2002. David Barringer , We Were Ugly So We Made Beautiful Things. Ella Singer, Pushcart Nominee 2002. I thought for sure "The Furnace" would survive. A telltale sign of their success: my 2004 Christmas present of The Best American Short Stories Series; they listed “The Furnace” in the back of the book. Perhaps this would drum up new subscribers and contributors.

I should’ve known better. Their attempt at bringing serial fiction back failed miserably. Who wants to follow a story when the next installment takes 6 months to get published? However, I faithfully reread the previous issues to keep pace with Zuriel Wolfgang Lott’s “Feedback," (how's that for irony?). Near the end of their existence, the fiction editor accepted my serial titled “Ghost Suit,” which would appear in the next 3 issues. Then the downward spiral continued—the very same editor asked if I would replace her. “We’re meeting at Nemo’s, a bar in Corktown, on Monday,” she had written in her email dated December 11, 2004, “I could introduce you to the advisory board.” I graciously declined, and shortly thereafter “The Furnace” went up in flames.

DONTE'S INFERNO

I’ll never forget Donte Williams, a 7th grade student of mine at St. Matthew’s Middle School in Detroit. Unusually small for his age, he’d sit in his chair, legs dangling, whisking the floor, thumb discreetly inserted in his mouth, sucking and daydreaming his life away. He’d stare out the window for countless hours, his mind elsewhere. I’d constantly remind him, “Donte, unless you plan on attending summer school, I suggest you start working on your class assignment.”

Always one to acknowledge my requests, he’d quickly fill in the blanks with whatever words popped into his head—never mind the word bank—and he’d draw quivery lines connecting words and terms based on fate and not fact. “I’m done,” he’d say, interjecting zero enthusiasm, a more controlled deadness in the tone of his voice. Then he’d drift back to a different time and place, his body physically here, but his mind far far away, until I’d reel him in again with the same observation, “Donte, you didn’t even try.”

One day, right before the Christmas break, a sad tired look on his face, Donte asked if he could speak to me in the hallway. “Sure,” I answered. It didn’t take him long to say what had been troubling him. “My dad beats me.” I immediately asked whether there were any physical marks and he lifted his shirt, showing me elongated crimson welts. “He uses an extension cord,” he added.

I told Donte that I had a moral and legal responsibility to report child abuse and that more than likely a social worker would visit his home. Later that week, I had learned from the principal that they were trying to locate his mother. Meanwhile, Donte continued attending class and staring out the window. I could almost imagine his thoughts: Will I get a beating after school today?

As for the father, who happened to be—of all occupations—a Detroit police officer, I tried explaining my situation after we accidentally met in the corridor, “Whenever a student tells me something of this nature, I’m legally obligated to report it.”

He, in turn, replied, “As far as I’m concerned, Social Services can keep the little son-of-a-bitch.” I saw Donte Williams once more after the holidays, then he disappeared from my life. If he had stayed in my class until the end of the school year, I would have, without a doubt, given him a social promotion to the next grade level. I saw no need in compounding his agony.

AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Stick to it in spite of hell and other people. Patience and endurance.
--Katherine Anne Porter






Christmas came early for me in the form of an acceptance letter from Foliate Oak Literary Magazine.

Here's what they had to say:

Congratulations! We've chosen your work to be published. We enjoyed reading your submission and will be including it in our January issue of Foliate Oak Online. We will notify you when your work is published. Thanks again and we look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.
--Jessica Hall

This will be my first creative nonfiction piece.

A BIT OF DOGGEREL & TWO REPRIEVES

Nothing could be more appropriate than the light dusting of snow, each tiny snowflake as unique as the calcified stones I placed on my urologist’s office desk. He, of course, ignored my action. “The stone is so small,” he said, examining the x-ray of my left kidney, “that I suggest you drink plenty of water and I’ll see you back here in six months.” Just like that, a simple handshake and I’m leaving his office, our meeting no longer a regular visit, instead, a post-op evaluation.

It’s been approximately ninety days (a four pound weight increase per month) since I’ve stepped onto a treadmill or elliptical; It’s been even longer since I’ve lifted weights. This morning I’m back at the gym continuing my daily routine. A fresh start. A new beginning. I’ve been granted a reprieve.

In other news, a former student shared the following letter with me:

Dear Mr. Remick:

Enclosed you will find a copy of the Court of Appeals’ opinion in your case. Congratulations, because, as you can see, they have reversed your conviction and have granted you a new trial. The opinion was also chosen to be published. I have included copies of the case that the Court of Appeals connects on, People v Sullivan, 392 Mich 324 (1974); People v Pollick, 448 Mich 376 (1995); People v Hardin, 421 Mich 296 (1984); and People v Goldsmith, 411 Mich 555 (1981)

As you can see from reading the opinion, the Court held that the instruction given by the trial Judge constituted reversible error. They also held that the instructions as given gave too much sympathy for the victim. In effect, the Court of Appeals held that the trial Judge’s instruction created a coercive effect on the jury and pressured them to reach a verdict.

Again, congratulations and I am not sure of the exact time frame that will be involved before you will be brought back for a new trial. Take care and let me know what you think.

Sincerely,
The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum, & Howe

Dear Reader:
Make that two reprieves.

THESE ARE YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS

The feeling that the work is magnificent, and the feeling that it is abominable, are both mosquitoes to be repelled, ignored, or killed, but not indulged.
—Annie Dillard

The first warden I ever worked under held monthly Warden’s Forum Meetings in the Food Tech dining area across the hall from my classroom. The Food Tech instructor and his inmate staff fixed the warden's administration and the elected prisoner representatives a nice breakfast of farmer’s omelets, hashbrowns, toast, orange juice, and coffee. After they’d had their fill the warden got down to business. "Okay men, what issues or concerns need to be addressed?"

I’ll admit, the warden certainly knew how to work a room full of convicts. She knew how to minimize their complaints. First, feed the reps, get them comfortable, and make them feel special as if they didn’t have six-digit numbers like their constituents. From my observations, they looked forward to their monthly meetings; it sure beat the hell out of the chow hall.

I informed Prisoner Miller, who also happened to be an academic tutor of mine, that there were lots of complaints from the general population. "I hope you were able to come to some type of an agreement with the administration. It certainly looked like you guys were on good terms with the warden and her staff."

Detecting my sarcasm, Miller responded, "As long as the Warden feeds me, I ain’t got shit to say."

I knew most of the men attending the Warden’s Forum, so when my boss asked if I would supervise the packaging of Christmas goodies being delivered to all the inmates, I said, "Sure, why not." The following items were purchased with IBF money (Inmate Benefit Funds): small pecan pies, chocolates, hard candy, candy canes, and various other treats. Stations were set-up in the gymnasium and the reps shoved items into each bag before moving it further down the line, all the way to the last station where the bags were stapled and loaded into boxes for delivery to each unit.

Since they were elected officials, I didn’t scrutinize their work—afterall, it was the week of Christmas. I remember inmates from the general population complaining to me about the chintzy packages they received. When I showed them the list of items stuffed into each bag, I got the typical response, "Well then, I got shorted. Did you actually see these items go into each bag?"

"Hey," I said, "these are your elected officials. You guys voted them in. If you don’t like what happened, vote’em out. Oh, and Merry Christmas."

THAT'S JUST WEIRD

I’ve been told I must list six weird things about myself and to tag six fellow bloggers to follow suit. Only problem is: Sheila tagged ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW WHO WOULDN’T MIND. Therefore, as usual, since I never could follow rules and I’m good at pissing people off, anyone commenting on my blog in slots seven through twelve—YOU’RE IT! You will know who you are because I’ll be checking your blog to make sure you tag people (that is, if you’re not an anonymous commenter or if I get any comments beyond the first six). Anyway, here goes my weirdo ways:

1. I think rats make the best pets. My brother and I used to have gerbils growing up, until they started inbreeding and cannibalizing one another. My wife and I have three rats in our livingroom right now. Of course, they’re all females.

2. If I had my way, I’d get a brushcut. However, my wife is against the idea. She says I leave too much grease on the pillow from the butchwax and that this hairstyle makes me look mean.

3. Unlike most American citizens, I have never had a car payment. I’ve only owned one new vehicle in my entire life. Also, I've never done my own laundry (haven't a clue).

4. I didn’t propose to my wife until our offer was accepted on our house. I lived with her parents while she stayed in our new home. Marriage came a year later.

5. My parents didn’t know I graduated from college for approximately eighteen months, even though I was living under their roof. Something to do with living at home rent free until I completed school.

6. My all-time favorite Christmas CD is “The Mother of all Flagpole Christmas Albums.” It’s a compliation CD of a bunch of bands from Athens and Atlanta, Georgia. Songs include:

“Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto” by Seersucker
“Christmas in August” by Bloodkin
“Christmas with the Devil” by Allgood
“Jingle Bells” by the Flat Duo Jets
“Santa’s Hard” by Follow For Now
“White Christmas” by Vic Chesnutt

…and sixteen other songs sung by Deacon Lunchbox, Kevn Kinney (yeah no “n”), Bliss, Michelle Malone, The Woggles, Dreams So Real, Widespread Panic, Daisy, Labrea Stompers, Hear It Love It Dance It, Five-Eight, Bill Taft & Kelly Hogan, Marlee MacLeod, The Opal Foxx Quartet, and Hetch Hetchy.

THE HECKLEBURGER INCIDENT

In my younger days, my friend Bob and I went fishing in and around the Pinnebog River. We wore burlap sacks across our shoulders, held five-prong spears in our hands, and took turns carrying a kerosene lantern. We moved slowly, our waders pushing against the current, our legs occasionally getting thumped as we stabbed at the murky shadows until our spears came to life. There’s nothing more thrilling than having a large fish, mainly suckers, violently thrashing about on those five-prong spears.

Once our burlap sacks became too heavy to carry, we called it quits, throwing our equipment and the fish into the trunk of my car. It was time for a Heckleburger, fries, and a beer, or two, or three … at Heck’s Bar in Pinnebog.

As we sat at the bar scarfing down our food, I noticed fish eggs all over Bob’s clothes. “You’re just as bad,” he said, pointing to a smeary slime on my sweatshirt. It must have oozed through the burlap. None of the locals seemed to mind, including the bartender. We ended up closing the place.

A few years later, we grabbed our fishing poles and tackle boxes and headed for Caseville. We traveled Van Dyke Road, more commonly known as M53—it splits Michigan’s thumb right down the middle, a semi-straight line except for one left turn at an intersection in Bad Axe, before continuing all the way to the tip. But we weren't heading for Port Austin, so we veered onto Pinnebog Road just before entering Bad Axe. Pinnebog Road has plenty of twists and turns, however, it ends at Kinde Road, and more conveniently, the parking lot of Heck’s Bar.

During our two-hour drive, Bob kept telling me that the Heckleburger had to be the best damned burger in Michigan. “Can we stop there?” he asked.

“Yeah, I suppose.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him Heck’s Bar purchases their hamburger patties from the McDonald’s in Bad Axe. Instead, I told him, “You like the Heckleburger because it’s cooked.” He knew I was referring to kibbe, a Lebanese dish of raw meat I tried at his parent’s home once.

When we entered Heck’s we couldn’t belly up to the bar, too many locals, so we sat near the billiards table instead.

“Hey canary bird,” one of the locals started yelling. “Hey canary bird.” He was referring to the bright yellow shirt Bob had on.

We laughed at first. “Just ignore him,” I said.

“Hey canary bird, canary bird,” he repeated, his buddy making a silly cooing noise as they picked up some cue sticks off the wall rack.

"He's really annoying," Bob said, "and this burger taste like shit, not like they used to."

"We were drunk the last time we ate them," I explained.

"Hey canary bird," the man continued, facing us, his cue stick resting diagonally across his body. His buddy behind him, waiting, the butt of his cue stick touching the floor.

It was fairly obvious we were out of towners and these clowns wanted to fight. I was more concerned about Bob then myself on account of his Middle Eastern descent. “Okay guys, “ I said, “knock it off!”

“Who the hell are you to tell us what to do?” the first heckler said.

I tensed up. I told him the only thing that might save us—my last name.

“Are you LeRoy’s boy?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I lied. LeRoy was my dad’s cousin. They hadn’t spoken in years, not since my dad broke his nose during a fishing outing, the family tree permanently splintered. I had become my second cousin that night, a farm boy from Marlette, and Bob and I made it out of there unharmed.

PRE-HOLIDAY FUNK

After college, living in New York City, it seemed like everyone was a writer. They were working on novels, writing plays and destined for greatness. Or so I convinced myself. They were 'real' writers; I was a fake and it was only a matter of time before they found me out.
—Joel Saltzman

Once again, I made an excuse not to finish a post (Nov. 30th); I wouldn’t exactly call it writer’s block either. I had stepped up to the plate but couldn’t follow through on my swing—What, am I sick? The post should have started like this: When a man was pummeled to death with a baseball bat they tried to pin the blame on my friend, the athletic director. I started to wonder whether this would be appropriate material, afterall, someone had died, and on a lesser note, baseball season had ended. I decided not to pursue it any further. I even scrapped the childhood photo of myself holding a bat. Perception is everything.

I decided to write about something less volatile and timelier: There’s a saboteur in my building. This seemed appropriate. I had come home from work Wednesday evening, upset about a serious confrontation I had with a mentally unstable coworker. I stared at the sentence. Too soon. Too soon. I needed more time to reflect.

I decided to do a self-examination of my previous posts instead. Here’s what I discovered: Since last week, Black Friday to be exact, I’ve included some very bleak characters: a quadriplegic, a former student and two-time loser, and a former alcoholic coworker. Let’s not forget my rejection notices also.

I need something to snap me out of my pre-holiday doldrums. Christmas is fast approaching. I should write something cheerful. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Or how about Alfred Hitchcock fanning the flames as Santa comes down the chimney? Hey, at least Santa’s not chained up, at least he still has a chance to escape.

JR SHRUGGED AND LIFE WENT ON

I’ve had my share of peculiar assignments working for the Michigan Department of Corrections, and I’ve graciously accepted most without debate; however, when I was informed that Mr. Lansky, the Institutional Maintenance instructor, would be sharing a classroom with me, I knew I’d be shouldering a very heavy burden.

Management would stop Mr. Lansky periodically as he came through the front gate, checking his breath for signs of alcohol (this was before random drug testing was signed into law). The first thing Mr. Lansky would do after being confronted is run to me. “They did it again. Can you believe it? They think I’ve been drinking.”

I’d act surprised, even though I could smell the vodka permeating from the pores of his skin. Did they honestly think these interventions would help him overcome his addiction? Or were they going through the motions, hoping for the best, expecting the worst? As for sharing a classroom, my students had a difficult time studying with Mr. Lansky and his entourage dragging floor buffers, mop buckets, fans, and whatever else they needed, back and forth from the storage closets. His tutors, noticing the concern on my face, would tip toe about and reassure me. “Hey, don’t worry. We’ll look after him.” This only deepened my concern.

As I look back, I sometimes wonder how much management knew about Mr. Lansky’s personal life and whether they advised him to seek employee services. I do know one thing, the more they checked his breath, the more withdrawn he became. At 10:40 a.m., our school staff routinely ate lunch in the break room while Mr. Lansky sat in his van sipping coffee from his thermos, or so he would explain if he knew I saw him. By the end of the workday, his hands shook so badly that he had difficulty signing out.

One day, Mr. Lansky confided in me that his son and daughter-in-law, whom happened to live under his roof, found their baby boy unresponsive. “My only grandson,” Mr. Lansky said choking back tears, “died in my house.” I’m not sure how long ago this tragic event occurred, but I do believe this was Mr. Lansky’s way of asking for forgiveness. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders. Soon afterward, I transferred to another facility and shortly thereafter, I learned that Mr. Lansky had been fired for drinking on the job.

LIFE LONG LESSONS; LIFE LONG LEARNERS

From this day forward the Puzzle Palace, a.k.a. Lansing, Michigan, says we can no longer have lifers in our classrooms; only the short-timers should be in school diligently working toward their high school equivalency diplomas. No GED, no parole. The legislators made that perfectly clear years ago—as clear as mud. Since then, there has been an increase in GED exemptions. Because of no fault of his own, so-and-so wasn’t able to get his GED and should be granted a parole. Hey, with a large state deficit, why should the taxpayers foot the bill for an expensive GED?—incarceration ain’t cheap you know. Then again, neither is the liability and risk involved with most ex-felons.

"They gotta cut me loose," Prisoner Lane once told me. He’d been enrolled in one of my afternoon GED classes, expending all his energy on ways not to cooperate. "I’m special ed, you better look it up," he added.

Not a problem. After having him sign a release of educational records, our school office discovered that he was placed in a Special Education classroom not because he had difficulty learning—he told me he was dyslexic—but for behavioral reasons. "What? Did you beat-up your teacher?" I asked. "There’s nothing special about you."

Then one day, and I’ll never forget it, Prisoner Lane came into my room with his parole papers. "I’m going home assssshoooole. You can’t make me do anything, so f---k you!"

Why argue? Instead, I wished him well.

Two weeks after that, my boss stormed into my room and demanded to know why Prisoner Lane wasn’t attending school. "He got his parole," I answered.

"No he did not!" he countered. "I’ve enrolled him in all seven of your classes. No GED, no parole."

The very next morning, Prisoner Lane approached me, "This is bullshit. They snatched my parole. You gotta help me."

He had a 5th grade reading level at the time, but I had never seen someone work as hard as Prisoner Lane. He worked as if his freedom depended on it, and … well … it did. There were some hiccups along the way. "What’s wrong with you?" I asked him.

"The police were at my momma’s house looking for me. They had a warrant for my arrest."

"Why?"

"Failure to report."

"Kind of hard reporting to your parole officer when you’re still here, isn’t it? I suppose you’ll have to straighten that out too."

After four months from his initial parole, Prisoner Lane earned his diploma and was granted his freedom. After two months of freedom, he caught a new case.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS?

When I stopped over my parent’s house several Christmases ago, my dad had Santa Claus chained to a tree. I wanted to ask him how Santa was going to deliver presents to all those good little boys and girls around the world. He didn’t give me a chance. “Those pisscutters stole your mother’s Santa,” he explained, “but they aren’t getting this one.” Pisscutters, for whatever reason, seemed to be my dad’s most popular reference for bored teenagers in the area. It was those pisscutters that smashed his mailbox with a baseball bat. It was those pisscutters that gave him a lawn job. My dad’s word choice seemed appropriate. So did his keen sense of observation when it came to pointing the finger—all it takes, he had said, is for one rotten kid to live nearby.

My dad’s always had his suspicions, like when his battery disappeared from his truck, and Steve, the kid on the next street, managed to get his eggbeater of a car running the very next day. Steve, as rumor would have it, did a few local B & E’s. The Michigan State Police visited his house quite often.

One neighbor, Mr. Nelson, ran onto his back deck and lost his footing while giving chase to an unidentified thief. I remember coming home from high school, his two daughters stepping off the bus, greeting him while he waited in the driveway, sitting in his wheel chair, his head propped up, a quadriplegic, not unlike the late Christopher Reeves. I also wondered about Steve’s innocence and how he felt as he sat near the back, staring out the window. It didn’t take him long to switch to the opposite side of the bus where he didn’t have to look at Mr. Nelson on a daily basis.

This year I put my plastic Santa Claus lawn ornament in my fenced-in backyard, overlooking the waterfall on my pond. I can see him from the kitchen window above the sink, waiting for his sleigh and reindeer, the pond lights marking the landing strip. Santa’s on a timer, his superpowers evident in the late evening hours. He’s much safer there than out front. Plus, my backyard and wood deck are very well lit at night. Not that I’d give chase to any intruders.

UNPLEASANTVILLE, MY COLORLESS WORLD

There’s only one reason why I’ve chosen a childhood picture of myself relaxing in bed casually smoking a cigarette, let me whisper it softly into your ear: rejection. Oh, I know you don’t care about my sex life—Did I just say that? Let me start again.—I know you don’t care about my writing welfare as much as you do about my health. My guess is that you’re straining your eyes right now to see whether I’m actually holding a Pall Mall unfiltered in my left hand (yes, I’m an evil left hander). I’ve learned a long long time ago not to underestimate my audience. You’ve probably already come to the conclusion that I’m holding a crayon. Did the plastic cup give it away?

I could’ve been clever. I could’ve photoshopped a Penthouse magazine over the coloring book and blurred the cups contents into a nice liquidy foam, but then again, you’d know better. I’m a child. In a bed. Wearing one piece pajamas. So here’s the real scoop: I received rejection letters this month from the Apple Valley Review, Cezanne’s Carrot, Flashquake, and Mindprints, A Literary Review. Count’em again. Four. One for each week of November.

I lost five smackaroos entering the Mindprints “Flash Fiction Contest.” The editor, Paul Fahey, said they had over fifty submissions and selected three top winners and eight honorable mentions. With those type of odds, approximately a twenty-percent chance of making the publication, I’ll be back next year. I can’t cry over it. I’ll keep plodding away at my work. I’ll try to stay within the lines. Speaking of lines, I’m thinking of The First Line . Why do I continue to torture myself?

CIRCUIT CITY, POPULATION: ONE TOO MANY

On Black Friday morning—5:20 a.m. to be exact—my wife and I shuffled our feet along the masking-taped line like movie extras in “Shaun of the Dead.” It’s no fun maneuvering the crowd when you’re vertically challenged, especially when you haven’t had your morning coffee and your eyelids are semi-pasted shut.


My wife tried to get a Circuit City employee to assist us. “Sir, is this computer still available?” she asked, waving a newspaper flyer his way. Before he could answer, someone else diverted his attention, leaving us standing there, not knowing how this would pan out, like two insignificant bodies being led to the slaughter, moving forward inch by agonizing inch. A majority of the customers in line had vouchers, which were handed out prior to the stores advertised hours. We were the less fortunate, hoping for a miracle—a computer bundle with $430 in savings. There were at least 7 per store.

The young couple in front of us, a brother and sister, both beyond 6 feet tall, told us they waited outside since midnight. Not feeling well, he stepped out of line. “I’m gonna take a nap in the car,” he told her. “Give me a ring when it’s my turn.”

Twenty minutes later, a Circuit City employee appeared, handing out laptop carrying cases to anyone lucky enough to have a laptop voucher. The sister took two. Then a short silver bird of lady swooped down—don’t ask me where she came from—and challenged the young lady in front of us. “You can’t buy two laptops.”

“I know.”

“It’s one per customer.”

“I know.”

“Well then, why do you have two of those?” The old lady pointed toward the carrying cases. The young lady turned away, ignoring her. “She can’t get two. It’s one per customer.” Everyone kept quiet. “It’s one per customer,” she repeated, proud of her detective work. I should’ve said something to save her from embarrassment. “They can’t give her two. It’s not fair.”

Then it happened. “I’m not buying two. The other one’s my brother’s. Is that okay with you?”

Unfazed, the old lady went elsewhere to stir up trouble. As for us, we were able to make our purchase without incident.

HOLIDAY CASUALITIES, GET IT OVER QUICK!

Two years ago I celebrated Christmas on Thanksgiving Day and my wife nearly killed my dad. It’s always difficult getting family together. Usually Thanksgiving dinner becomes an open forum for negotiating where Christmas will be held. On this particular occasion, we merged the two holidays together at my parent’s house, including opening gifts.

We’ve done this dual holiday thing in the past. But since my wife nearly killed my dad, he has put his foot down. “I want Christmas to be on Christmas day, not Thanksgiving.” I certainly can sympathize with him; afterall, it was I who had to drive him to the hospital and wait for three hours. He sat in the passenger seat, silently pleading for me to speed-up because he was having difficulty breathing.

There were other causalities in the emergency room on that day: a man who leaned back in his chair while laughing at a relative’s joke until he toppled over and cracked his head on the tiled kitchen floor; a diabetic woman who ate enough sweets as if nothing in the world mattered to her anymore; and an exhausted housewife who accidentally cut herself with an electric knife.

This year Thanksgiving ran smoothly. My wife no longer brings her delicious cheesecake topped with walnuts. As she pointed out to me, my dad should’ve known better. He snuck a piece of dessert as soon as we arrived, way before dinner, way before the normal holiday traditions. Also, he did not tell anyone (too embarrassed I guess) that he made a terrible error in judgment—not until his tongue swelled-up, not until the skin from the back of his throat started to tear away and bleed, not until his airway shutdown. So now we know he’s allergic to walnuts. We're still debating over Christmas though.

BLACK FRIDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

I’m always thinking ahead, beyond Thanksgiving Day, beyond turkey, mash potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. Beyond the Detroit Lions so-called football game. But not that far beyond. I’m combing through the advertisements and mapping out my strategy for Black Friday. I probably won’t do as well this year (as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever done well). I should've studied the floor plans of Circuit City, Best Buy, etc. When those doors open, I need to know exactly where I’m going, where the massive displays are; unfortunately, this year I’m hoping fate is on my side. One wrong turn, one zig when I should’ve zagged, and the retailer’s spectacularly low-priced merchandise that I want will be sold-out. Sorry, no rain checks. My enemy: other customers, especially those that work in tandem with cell-phones on, one blocking the aisle, the other loading up their shopping cart.

What I really need is someone to guide me through this whole process, someone brave like my wife. I remember going to Bronner’s in Frankenmuth, Michigan, on the day after Thanksgiving. Never again. There I was, crammed into a corner of this massive store while everybody aggressively pursued Christmas tree ornaments and wreaths and other holiday nic-nacs. I panicked. I yelled for my wife, “Get me the hell out of here!” If I could, I’d have her do my dirty work for me. She’s much better at the whole shopping experience. In fact, she has done this in the past, but instead of lending a sympathetic ear when she comes home without that one special item I had truly wanted, I tell her how disappointed I am. I should've been thankful for not having to go.

Thanksgiving Day shouldn’t be the only day we give thanks. Take my latest attempt at becoming a fierce warrior—I should’ve thanked my first-grade teacher for helping me create my outfit. I should’ve thanked my mother for my Gene Autry singing cowboy costume. Hey, who needs a six-shooter when you have a guitar? I should’ve thanked my mother for her first attempt at making me look like a real Native American, even if she accessorized with jewelry and everyone thought I was a squaw. So please, everyone, enjoy your holiday and give thanks from this day forward.

One last thing: Yes, that is a paper grocery sack I’m wearing, and no, even though I’ve talked about going on an expedition, I am not Sacajawea.

A TO-DO LIST, CREATING FICTION

I’ve always had a difficult time with plot development. Back in 2004, while grocery shopping with my wife and sorting through expired coupons and navigating a cart up and down each aisle, I had one of those eureka moments for two of my fictional characters, Jocelyn and her live-in ex-felon boyfriend, Blake—Why not write a short story based on a set of instructions? Here’s the more refined set of instructions which became part of a published piece experimenting with the mystery genre (I say refined because some of the instructions actually became comments about the instructions):

Grocery Shopping
1. Get a pen and write down the necessary information.
2. Coupons will help reduce the cost; but some are not worth redeeming.
3. Eat before you go. Studies have shown that you may buy unnecessary items on an empty stomach.
4. Select a functional shopping cart. Do not deviate from the list.
5. Check your receipt. What did you save?

In Step 1, I start the story with two police detectives investigating a murder in an apartment building where the two main characters reside.

In Step 2, Jocelyn argues with Blake, who refuses to go grocery shopping with her. I use some back-story to show the reader why Blake would rather stay home.

In Step 3, there’s more back-story, mainly how Jocelyn and Blake met. The reader also learns why Blake went to prison.

In Step 4, I use a montage of Jocelyn shopping freely and the police detectives questioning Blake about the murder. Blake gets arrested.

In Step 5, Jocelyn buys her groceries using the murder victim’s credit card. At this point the reader must decide whether Blake is innocent.

For all my fiction writing friends out there, try using this idea to develop a plot line; Just don’t do like I did, don't get too bogged down in detail; I chalk that up to being inexperienced at writing mysteries. Lastly, the illustration below is by Marc Nischan, the guitar player for Detroit’s Twistin’ Tarantulas. He received his BFA in illustration from the College of Creative Studies. Drop by http://www.marcnischan.com and have a look.

SUNNY-SIDE UP & CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR

I’ll try not to be long winded and conserve energy.

When I think about having eggs sunny-side up, I think about that commercial: This is your brain (egg) and this is your brain on drugs (yolk surrounded by white sizzling in pan). Of course—mainly because I don’t cook—this takes me back to a small diner in Carson City, Michigan. I had gone there for breakfast prior to attending a TABE (Test of Adult Basic Education) Conference. Not knowing the area, I had asked about directions and a good place to eat just in case I decided to leave early and beat the traffic.

It just so happened that one of my classroom tutors at the time, Mr. Berrera, a farm-boy/crack-addict, grew up in that area. He and I were not on the best of terms on account of his woefully lacking academic skills. Hey, I don’t hire these guys; the classification director simply plucks the next name off a list. I had heard the other tutors teasing him about his bank robbing experience, so I chimed in, "What? Did you leave the teller a note with your address on it?" The other tutors yucked it up while Mr. Berrera turned beet red. Anyway, Mr. Berrera, the forgiving person that he is, claimed that he was from Carson City and knew of a good place to eat. Thus the diner.

When I ordered my breakfast special, two eggs sunny-side up, hashbrowns, toast, and coffee, the waitress, detecting that I wasn’t a regular, asked, "What brings you to Carson City?" So I told her about the conference. She seemed satisfied with my answer and went about her business.

Just before I paid my bill, I asked her if she knew of a guy named Berrera. "He went to prison for robbing a bank," I explained.

She burst out laughing. "He’s from here," she said. "He was on that television show, ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals.’ He robbed our local bank and left behind his pay stub. Not that it mattered. Everyone knows everyone."

Can you believe it? And all I’m guilty of is leaving the refrigerator door open too long. Time to close it. Time to fry some eggs.

THE REMY MA BRUSH OFF

If I wanted to make some extra cash in prison all I'd have to do is start a lost and found and charge a storage fee. With four locked storage areas in my classroom, I have plenty of space to keep all those extra goodies such as jackets, gloves, and hats. How can anyone forget their jacket with this colder weather?

I guess the Remy Ma brush is a different story. Before inmates can half-test in my room they have to be shaken-down in another area. No jackets, hats, doo-rags, long sleeves, papers, pencils, no nothing, except yourself, are allowed in the testing area. We do get quite a few folks that think they can cheat their way to an education. On this occasion, an inmate left behind his personalized hairbrush.

"What's it look like?" I asked.
"It's purple. It's got Remy Ma lacquered on it."
"Remy who? What's she look like?"
"Remy's part of Fat Joe's posse. She's a rapper. Real thick lookin' too."
"That's an unusual name, how'd she get it?"
"It's a liquor! Quit messing with me and give me back my brush!"
"You sure it doesn't have Corinne Bailey Rae on it? I like her music."
"I don't listen to that white hillbilly shit! Where's my brush?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him who Corinne Bailey Rae is. I gave him back his brush.

JOEY & ME & GROGAN'S MEMOIR

Total emersion, page after page, coming full circle, pleading for a puppy, my brother and I, thirteen and twelve respectively, in unison: Dad, can we get one? Pleeease, pleeease, pleeease. His caving in, not knowing it’d be a sixteen year commitment, 1975 – 1991, the last of it with both sons earning degrees, getting jobs, moving on; the last of it with a dog turning tight circles from a debilitating stroke and Dad returning him to the place he’d been born, ending the misery and burying him in the woods.

My brother and I, like most decisions in life, can’t come to an agreement. I pick the puppy that looks like a Beagle; No, I want the fluffy brown one. Our cottage behind us, passing the Wentworth’s house on Shady Lane, the locals whose dog Ginger had pups, the locals that let us play with them all weekend long. Dad in a hurry to get back home, work on Monday. Us falling silent and mom saying, Let them get a puppy.

And so our Dad doubles back. We want two, one for each of us, but mom breaks the tie, agreeing with my pick. Riding home, settling on the name Joe … Joe, the Beagle-Tennessee Walker mix. Yelping and playfully biting us all the way home. Page after page, until the inevitable conclusion, finishing John Grogan’s memoir, “Marley & Me”—it’s that damned good—it makes you recall your very first dog—from the beginning—to the end.

GO BLUE! THIS ONE'S FOR BO

There’s a big big football game today and it doesn’t come without controversy. I’m not talking about the national rankings or the price of tickets (somewhere around $800 each for scalped ones)—no, I’m talking about a small prison in Ohio where the warden is throwing a pizza party for the inmates during game time. If you go to The Foo Logs you can participate in his survey on whether you think this is perfectly acceptable.

I remember a time when banquets were the norm in the Michigan prison system. The National Lifers Association had two or three a year to raise money for needy charities. Also, family members could attend. In order to have such an affair the IBF (Inmate Benefit Fund) had to foot the bill and a state employee had to sponsor it. I shied away from such activities after hearing about nightmarish stories of inmates and volunteers having sex in the bathrooms and storage closets.

One time an outside singing group performed a concert in the gymnasium. With a majority of the prison population attending, three female singers started strip teasing. As the men got louder and more excited, the women, craving all that attention, decided to go topless. The shift-commander ordered the concert/exhibition show to cease; however, no one moved on it for fear of a riot. Luckily, when the show ended, no one got hurt.

I still run into inmates that will say, "Hey, remember the time…" Nowadays, Michigan no longer has banquets or special events in the joint. I’m sure the dayrooms will be packed with inmates cheering on U. of M. and I’m sure someone will request to be put into protective custody when their team doesn’t cover the point spread. As for the Ohio pen, give them all the pizza they can eat; as long as U. of M. wins the game for Bo.

"S" IS FOR SPEEDBOAT

Convicts may act confident, but usually that’s just their way of masking their own deficiencies and continuing down that lonely road called poor self-esteem. However, there was one particular student that really changed and I’ll always remember his accomplishments. Amongst the prison population his nickname is "Speedboat." He’s in his mid 40’s and has been locked up since the age of 16. For three years straight he did not show any signs of progress in my class. From my observations, he could do the necessary class assignments with guided practice; however, he had difficulty with long-term memory. In fact, I could assign him the same work week after week and he’d act like he’d never seen it before. Some of the other students would laugh at him, and I’d have to come to his defense, often saying, "Wait until he gets his GED and you’re still sitting in here poking fun at the next guy." I wasn’t too sure this would materialize.

One day Speedboat asked if I’d read his court transcripts. They were part of his institutional records. At the time, I didn’t know his self-fulfilling prophecy was contained in one short little paragraph on those transcripts. In fact, prior teachers reported in his educational file that getting a GED was highly unlikely, if not impossible—I’ve always felt that you should be very careful about what you put in a student’s file. Anyway, I’m not to keen on reading court transcripts because I don’t want to know what crime or crimes my students have committed. But Speedboat was insistent. So I read them. A school psychologist said his IQ peaked at about 70, that he was mildly retarded, and probably uneducable. When I finished reading, Speedboat was trying to get my reaction. I didn’t acknowledge him at first, so he pointed out that one paragraph. I told him it was one man’s opinion and that he needed to get back to his schoolwork in order to get his GED

I’d like to think my emotional support and social approval turned him around. Needless to say, it was a long haul. The following year Speedboat passed all five-subject areas of the GED. It’s amazing how his self-esteem blossomed. Now I see him handing out and inventorying gym equipment. He sometimes visits my classroom to encourage other students to keep trying.

Here’s what I’ve learned: figure out what is causing your student’s low self-esteem and be careful about what you put in his academic file. Also, a few encouraging words never hurt anyone, followed by suggestions on ways to improve academic skills. In Speedboats case, I stuck with concrete goals such as: He will continue working on the prescribed algorithms for fractions, completing each assignment with 80% accuracy. Every four months I’d do another report such as: He has consistently hit 80% on his fraction assignments and will now utilize the grid method to solve ratio and proportion problems. Each report showed progress no matter how small. When I look back, it’s because of people like Speedboat that I continue to teach in the prison system.

WELCOME TO ADULT DAY CARE

Before you ask, I’ll answer. "Yes, that chubby-faced toddler is me." But at least today I’m not a little boy trapped in a man’s body (code for MDOC inmate). Although, if you examine the picture a bit closer, you will see a wayward hand hanging onto my elastic bvd waistband, directing me where to go. All I can say is that this picture is symbolic of how the inmates act toward one another. So many of them want to be leaders, they want to take charge—the proverbial king of the shit pile—and no matter how stupid they are, they’ll try to find someone else who will listen to their childish advice. They’ll pair up and I’ll say, "Looks like the blind leading the naked. Who’s groping who?" Then I’ll get comments such as, "Don’t cut into my intelligence," and I’ll say, "I don’t even need a Spork to do that."

Lately—and I’m not sure why, perhaps it’s a full moon or I’m getting into my preholiday funk—I’ll observe my students horseplaying around and giggling like little school girls (sorry if I’ve offended anyone, didn’t mean to). When I remind them that they will be testing tomorrow to see if they qualify for the actual GED exams, they seem to think school has always been a slam-dunk. Now, I’m not the smartest tool in the shed, but after fifteen years, I know what’s going to happen, and they should too, considering their public school histories. The man-child or men-children will act shocked after the fact. "I should’ve passed. It’s your fault. You should’ve been helping me. You didn’t give me anything to study." Hmmm, I’m thinking, If I use the foot on your neck approach you cry like a baby and write grievances or want to be transferred to another teacher. Quit acting like you know what’s best! Your way doesn’t work.

It’s called A-D-U-L-T, adult, education. They are supposed to be responsible for their actions (at least now, since they're incarcerated) and do the book work and computer work assigned to them, instead of blaming everyone for their woefully lacking academic skills. But then again, this would mean acting like an (gasp) adult. As I frequently tell them, "Why am I embarrassed for you?"

I’m sorry. I just needed to vent a little. Please forgive me. Maybe it’s that hand in my bvd’s. Maybe it’s another traumatic childhood experience. Maybe it’s adult day care at it’s worse. Sadly, as taxpayers, we're paying for it.