BLACK FRIDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

I’m always thinking ahead, beyond Thanksgiving Day, beyond turkey, mash potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. Beyond the Detroit Lions so-called football game. But not that far beyond. I’m combing through the advertisements and mapping out my strategy for Black Friday. I probably won’t do as well this year (as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever done well). I should've studied the floor plans of Circuit City, Best Buy, etc. When those doors open, I need to know exactly where I’m going, where the massive displays are; unfortunately, this year I’m hoping fate is on my side. One wrong turn, one zig when I should’ve zagged, and the retailer’s spectacularly low-priced merchandise that I want will be sold-out. Sorry, no rain checks. My enemy: other customers, especially those that work in tandem with cell-phones on, one blocking the aisle, the other loading up their shopping cart.

What I really need is someone to guide me through this whole process, someone brave like my wife. I remember going to Bronner’s in Frankenmuth, Michigan, on the day after Thanksgiving. Never again. There I was, crammed into a corner of this massive store while everybody aggressively pursued Christmas tree ornaments and wreaths and other holiday nic-nacs. I panicked. I yelled for my wife, “Get me the hell out of here!” If I could, I’d have her do my dirty work for me. She’s much better at the whole shopping experience. In fact, she has done this in the past, but instead of lending a sympathetic ear when she comes home without that one special item I had truly wanted, I tell her how disappointed I am. I should've been thankful for not having to go.

Thanksgiving Day shouldn’t be the only day we give thanks. Take my latest attempt at becoming a fierce warrior—I should’ve thanked my first-grade teacher for helping me create my outfit. I should’ve thanked my mother for my Gene Autry singing cowboy costume. Hey, who needs a six-shooter when you have a guitar? I should’ve thanked my mother for her first attempt at making me look like a real Native American, even if she accessorized with jewelry and everyone thought I was a squaw. So please, everyone, enjoy your holiday and give thanks from this day forward.

One last thing: Yes, that is a paper grocery sack I’m wearing, and no, even though I’ve talked about going on an expedition, I am not Sacajawea.