YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON

Whenever I hear Joe Cocker singing “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” I visualize a young Kim Bassinger’s striptease routine in “9 ½ Weeks.” What a performance! Better than going to what some of my friends refer to as The Ballet. But this has nothing to do with what I’m going to discuss, except for the fact that, at one time, inmates could not leave their hats on while in the school building.

So, whenever a coworker mentions the old prison hat rule, they’re usually reminiscing about the time I allegedly waltzed into the middle of a program staff meeting and threw a hat at the assistant deputy warden. Let me explain. First of all, I was not intentionally late. I had to stay with the computer vendor while he worked on our server. Once he figured out exactly what needed to be done, I attended the meeting. And it’s true, I brought a prisoner’s hat with me. I even remember whose hat I confiscated—Little Joe’s.

What happened next, for some odd reason, became part of a legendary tale. Let me just say this, “I DID NOT THROW A HAT AT THE ASSISTANT DEPUTY WARDEN!” Instead, while he was conducting his meeting, I entered the conference room, and simply tossed the hat on the table, right in front of him. Then I sat down in the only chair available—you got it—right next to the hat rule originator. He, in turn, stopped whatever they were discussing and said, “What was the meaning of that?”

I replied, “I told the inmate that if he wanted his hat back, to come see you.”

“You didn’t have to come in here late and interrupt our meeting by throwing a hat at me.”

“I did not throw the hat at you and I got here as quickly as possible.”

Before the debate heated up, the computer vendor tapped on the window and saved me from further argument. Don’t ask me why the story changed. I know what I did. I know it wasn’t exactly the correct way to protest a hat rule. However, I had become sick and tired of constantly telling thieves, rapists, and killers to please remove their hats in the building. I like to pick and choose my battles. Hats were not a top priority. Now it doesn’t matter. Some of the inmates leave their hats on, others don’t. The hat rule maker has since retired. The only thing that remains constant is the legendary tale of how I threw a hat at the assistant deputy warden--hardly as memorable as Kim Bassinger's dance routine.