THE ICE CREAM ANTISOCIAL

I know what you’re thinking: I look like a homeless guy eating a bowl of ice cream in the dead of winter. But I’m not homeless, it’s not winter, and yes, I’m posing with a bowl of Caramel Caribou, which I intend to eat.

By now you’re pissed, thinking I’m making fun of the down and out, and I apologize for that. Nothing could be further from the truth, it could happen to any one of us—look at the Hurricane Katrina victims. Thank God we’ve got the NLA (National Lifer’s Association) making Teddy Bears for the Katrina victims’ children. A bunch of big burly tattooed men kibitzing around their sewing machines. Even our dear Governor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm, received a cuddly bear—a symbolic gesture of appreciation.

All of us should donate our time or money to a worthy cause, not just the inmates with nothing better to do. Afterall, it’s our kindness and generosity that make this world a much better place. Nothing beats a good old fashion fund-raiser to help the needy. President Bush should try having a bake sale some time to help out with his war effort. I’m sure he’d be able to raise thousands too.

Enough with the sarcasm. Back to the ice cream. In order to raise money for the IBF (Inmate Benefit Fund), the Warden’s Forum Members requested an ice cream stand on the prison yard. This would give a few inmates jobs, while pleasing the general population with empty calories. Never mind that arguments would ensue over which flavors to carry. Besides, the aggravations would be well worth the profits, most of which would be donated to a local charity.

Talk is cheap, they say, and being prepared with a business proposal is another matter. By the time the Warden’s Forum Members enacted a detailed plan, several monthly meetings came and went. Once the deal was finalized and approved by the Warden, an inmate maintenance crew erected an ice cream stand in the prison yard. Soon they were ready to sell 31 Flavors. Unfortunately, sales were dismal, no one wanted to eat ice cream. I kept reminding my students, “When you leave class today, regardless of the below zero temperature, you should get yourself some ice cream; it’s for a worthy cause.” I’d usually get cussed at for my remarks, and I’m sorry to say, their plan failed miserably.