After attending a Prisoner Rape Elimination Act (PREA) training session, a coworker reminded me of the time I cracked a joke about a student sleeping in my class. I had forgotten all about it, but then I remembered using it in a story. Here's the excerpt from "Discounted" which appeared in The Furnace:Blake slept in his cell, his state-owned jacket squished into his face, a sullen Frankenstein, a mistaken troglodyte, primitive and green, not quite ripe. He turned the dayroom peach. A corrections officer noticed a cellophane-wrapped brush placed on an open paint can with a layer of skin floating, hardening. On the PA he announced: "Harris, 5-9-1-2-6-3, report to base." Someone told Blake to wake up, to get out of his cell. He hustled to the podium.
"Why aren't you working?"
"I had to take a piss."
"What are those?" A trigger-finger tallied each mark. "Are those lines on your forehead?"
"What lines?"
"Were you sleeping?"
"No sir."
"Then you must've been doing something else!"
Blake didn't understand. The corrections officer and the inmates laughed. The predators took notice.
"Hey man," Inmate Rosnowski said, "You got zipper lines on your forehead."
*Note: Imran Sheikh, a graduate of the College for Creative Studies in Detroit, did the magazine's cover artwork shown above.
10 comments:
Who needs tattoos when you can wake up with strange impressions of random objects marking up your face...gazing in the mirror right now, I'm wondering, is that a foot print...?
Being a little familiar with a few ex convicts I can see where that guy wanted those zipper impressions off his face as fast as possible.
Great little story, the reality of a correctioal facility is about the only reality I have never wanted to experience. Being a visitor was enough for me.
Peace JR
TWM
JR,
You've been sending me some realy kind comments, so I'd better watch what I say about your piece:
Blake slept in his cell, his state-owned jacket squished into his face, a sullen Frankenstein, a mistaken troglodyte, primitive and green, not quite ripe. He turned the dayroom peach. A corrections officer noticed a cellophane-wrapped brush placed on an open paint can with a layer of skin floating, hardening. On the PA he announced: "Harris, 5-9-1-2-6-3, report to base." Someone told Blake to wake up, to get out of his cell. He hustled to the podium.
"Why aren't you working?"
"I had to take a piss."
"What are those?" A trigger-finger tallied each mark. "Are those lines on your forehead?"
"What lines?"
"Were you sleeping?"
"No sir."
"Then you must've been doing something else!"
In your first paragraph,
you've got frankensteins, troglodytes and--so help me!--little green men-- all of these making up the sleeping form of Blake.
And then "he turned the dayroom peach."
See? You got too many things going on. Which is the metaphor, which is Blake and which is the coat? Which is the room and which is the bed he sleeps on?
Overlay. You gotta learn it.
The best example of overlay is old NASA footage of astronauts doing their thing and the space equipmment around them.
And if you want to write with clarity and directness, read Carson McCullers, especially "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe." The late Ms. McCullers used short, declarative sentences, and there was never any doubt as to what was going on in the story.
Myself, I have never been much good at overlay; I try to get at the heart of the matter in any of my stories--right away.
You have tried to do this in the piece above, but it's kind of impressionistic, jumbled.
Readers are lazy, and they don't want to read stuff twice.
OK? Learn about overlay if you're going to teach creative writing.
I think John Champlin Gardner has a section on it when he discusses writing a novel for the first time.
I think Gardner's book is titled "The Art of Fiction."
Sorry pal.
I think I should have sent this in an email, but I couldn't find your email address.
Ivan
Great dialogue and character interactions. Well done.
As a capitol hill reporter five years ago i had to report on a kennedy--somebody bill that outlawed prison rape.
None of the flacks from the u.s. bureau of prisons and shit wanted to be quoted, naturally.
Enjoyed the story!
Poor guy. I don't even want to know the story behind those zipper marks.
Good read. Enjoyed the story. MW
Jesus, I can't imagine living in such a community....
Jim, Good read. Nice story. Yeah, I think if I were that dude, I would want those zipper marks to disappear!!!!! --Bro, Ron
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