If writing quickens one’s sense of life, like falling in love, like being precariously in love, it is not because one has any confidence in achieving success, but because one is most painfully and constantly made aware of mortality: the persistent question being, Is this the work I fail to complete, is this the “posthumous” work that can only make an appeal to pity …?—Joyce Carole Oates
Approximately one year ago I had been running eight to twelve miles a day. This, while taking two college courses and creating a Science Olympiad event from scratch. I’d come home most nights literally exhausted, my body aching and too tired for conversation—that sense of accomplishment fading away as my head hit the pillow. After ten months of nervous energy, my wife confronted me. “You’re starving your body,” she said.
“No I’m not,” I replied. In fact, I had increased my caloric intake to sustain my newest lifestyle. After years of coming home from work and fixing myself a cocktail and hearing “You should start exercising,” I threw in the towel, got off my ass, and did something about it. When I put my mind to something, when I say, “That’s it, I’m going to do it,” there’s only one approach I’ve grown accustomed to—full throttle ahead. I still think dropping my weight from 170 to 138 pounds in a year’s time was fairly reasonable. The proof is in the picture. Some of you may think I look horrible, while others may think, “What happened to him now?” That’s an easy one to answer: kidney stones.
It doesn’t matter what the task is: exercising, writing fiction, or blogging, I’ve always been serious about everything in life I’ve tried. (Don’t get me wrong: I’ve quit or failed at plenty of things—Engineering School was my biggest disaster.) But lately, it’s the small missteps that’ll drive me crazy. Just yesterday, I mistakenly called Ellie “Emily.” She politely corrected me and didn’t get angry like I had once done when my wife informed me that her friends thought the newer, lighter version of me meant that my cancer had returned. Also, Patterns of Ink informed me that Pollyanna did not die; instead, she became paralyzed from the waist down. Still, no glad games for me. If only I could do everything in moderation, then maybe I’d achieve more in life; there’s no sense in thinking I’ll finish all those things I’ve set out to do.
13 comments:
Its not failure if you learn from it.
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The thing is with doing allot of little things is that you never just stand still and breath. You need to do what makes you happy, not what you think is expected of you. The thing is also you decide what you want and what you need, but if you keep thinking you are failing, you are missing what you are achieving!
I hear you Etain_Lavena. However, I've always felt that the best writers are the ones who struggle along in life or have some worthy cause. I'm not sure what my cause is, growing up in middle class America.
Jim,
You're definitely a writer! I think if you devote yourself to something, you do it and you don't look back. Writing and running are very much the same -- hard and miserable and extremely rewarding when you finally get it. As for struggling with a cause, I don't believe in it as a prerequiste for great writing because just being human is so difficult -- the misery of having people you love die, seeing tragedy, experiencing physical and psychological pain. I assure you, Jim, you have what it takes, even if you missed the mark on Pollyanna -- hey, paralysis is a kind of death, right? Keep stripping away to what is real -- the Joyce Carol Oates quote makes so much sense it's a little scary!
Me again,
Hey don't worry about the Pollyanna factoid. True confession...I had to look back at your post as I wrote that comment just to know how to spell P-o-l-l-y-a-n-n-a...I not kidding. I only know how the movie ends because of my daughters and their aunt (my teacher-sister)love Hayley Mills. Besides, what's more pathetic: not knowing how Pollyanna ends or admitting that you've actually seen it more than once? =)
Now on to a SERIOUS question...
My wife and I went to see "Freedom Writers" last night. As a teacher and now administrator, I caught myself whispering sarcastic thoughts at the "pollyannish" idealism of the story, but I began wondering...could this really happen? Once I accepted semi-plausibility, the movie was very moving.
As I watched the movie, I was thinking about what you said a few days back "your optimism slowly transforms into pragmatism or worse." I told my wife about it on the way home.
The teacher in the movie only taught there 4 years. You've been at your current post 4x as long.
Why does it seem that only people who live out some "socially significant" moment have a story for the masses? What about the person whose long experience tends to level out the highs and lows.
What about all the mostly forgettable moments of life? What about a kid in the suburbs, in a middle-class home with both parents, and four siblings, etc.?
I write about those things for a small readership (and family), but maybe someday what was once considered "normal" will seem socially significant.
If you see "Freedom Writers," please post about it from your perspective. I'm sure there is "more to the story" of teaching in hard settings. I think the "hazy picture" doubts that make us wonder how stories turn out is also a reality. It's not about the failure of success of teachers who care; it's a reflection of the human condition. Keep caring--keep writing.
Jim,
Your post and the resulting comments are so eloquent -- all I can add is, keep on keeping on.
And cheers'
Jim, Keep charging. Let's see after 1 year where you're at and where you want to head. --Bro, Ron
Great post JR. Love the comments. I liked the JCO quote and my interest has been piqued. I need to check out "Freedom Writers." MW
EIGHT TO TWELVE MILES? In one day?
Wow. I have a new respect for you. I doubt that I run that much in... a year.
That level of devotion, whether put into running or writing, shows that something good (i.e. weight loss or well written stories) will be the product. Keep up the good work.
Isn't it interesting how little something has to be to bug us so intensely?
I can so relate to this post. I actually almost didn't bring my name being incorrect to your attention as I was afraid you would sort of "hate" yourself for it.
As Pollyanna might say, "Just be glad...not sad and move on."
Ellie
AMEN TO ALL THE COMMENTS FROM ABOVE!!!
Yes Jr's I do agree writers feel everything more intensely and I also think everything is a drama too them. Your cause is what ever you want it too be, you just need to look with everything around you with Technicolor glasses. I write in my language I have English written word here and there. It's like a song I know: "like the poet needs the pain"....you cannot write if you have not lived. You cannot feel if you have not been broken, and you cannot write if your words does not fill you...And Unfortunately the pics on my blog was not from my hands I only select them too fit what I write about, My art is thus my words....Thank you for visiting my Blog!!
PS I would love too see this Freedom Writers mentioned, but alas It will be a hard task to get a hold off...NOTE TO SELF: find that movie.....;-)
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