I NOW HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER

I wish I could get my brain to function at a four or five star Sudoku level at regular intervals where my recollections of events fall into place with ease. I’m not necessarily speaking about the digits one through nine either, instead, I like doing those sixteen digit puzzles with an added twist of filling in the diagonals correctly. Unfortunately my mind doesn’t always see things clearly and I end up relying on luck. When I write, I’m constantly checking the dictionary and thesaurus for a better word, a more comfortable word, and to be quite frank, there aren’t many words that I’m comfortable with. So, just like a Sudoku puzzle where I arbitrarily test a number, I usually settle for my original choice and hope that I made an adequate decision.

Back in my college days, a drinking buddy talked me into celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish Pub even though neither of us is Irish. There’s not much about that night that I remember. I’m not even sure if we were at the Blarney Stone or the Shamrock. I do know one thing, or maybe two things—no, make that three things. I drove. I sang along with the house band. And I drank way too much green beer. The next morning I could hardly function. My buddy gave me a wake-up call.

“Hey,” he said, “Did you have fun last night.”

“Too much,” I answered.

“Did you forget something?” he asked.

I thought about his question. I remembered going to the bathroom near the entrance of the pub and then stepping outside for some fresh air, but very little else. “No … not really,” I guessed.

After a brief moment of silence, he yelled into the receiver, “Me, you asshole!”

With New Year’s Eve fast approaching and plenty of parties to attend make sure your travel arrangements are in order. Drinking and driving isn’t worth the risk. I’ve had my share of close calls and have witnessed first hand the misery of certain individuals locked up for vehicular manslaughter. Today’s photo shows my designated driver taking her road test at a very early age. Thirty-some years later, her skills have come in handy, carting me arse from place to place when absolutely necessary.