SACK OF POTATOES

They say she fainted, the lady from Puerto Rico, the one crowned Miss Universe, and my wife said some guy carried her off the stage like a sack of potatoes. Is this true? Not even a gurney? Or better yet, a wheelchair? Must’ve been quite a sight, kind of cheapens the whole event don’t you think? Victory at what cost?—being thrown over some man’s shoulder and hauled away—there she is … Ms. Raggedy Ann. She might as well get used to it though, her life for the next year will no longer be her own. Too bad she couldn’t’ve given a victory speech, or been paid to say something like, "I’m going to Disney."

And what of the young chap in today’s picture (circa 2000)? What possessed him to pose with Ariel? Okay, I’ll admit, I’m using the Bob-Dole-third-person-approach to distance myself from the actual event. It’s working, isn’t it? Afterall, he made his in-laws wait nearly forty-minutes baking in the Florida hot sun. His rather massive frame (he had a few extra pounds back then and looks back at it that way), stood in line towering above a gaggle of small children. They were already terrified at the size of most of the Disney characters (especially the Beast), but now they had to contend with a grown-up jostling for position. As a diversion tactic, their parents or legal guardians asked them about previous autographs collected in their official Disney autograph books. And when the man finally got his turn and approached Ariel, the little mermaid became somewhat nervous, forcing a smile, not once, not twice, but three times as the man argued with his wife to get more than one shot, to make sure the settings on the camera weren’t changed, to hold still dammit, hold still. . .

What some people will do to perfect a moment in time. At least Ariel was able to sit, her torso poking out of a rock-turret with a fake fishtail dangling down the front of it.