MY FIRST PELLET GUN

Yesterday evening, around 7:30 P.M., I was cooking steaks on my backyard grill when I heard a commotion. My wife heard it too. I peered through the shadowboxed fence and saw three young men in their 20’s pile out of a vehicle with vanity license plates that read, "CAR SPA." One of them, Chris, our neighbor’s son, flung a beer can onto his parent’s driveway. Then a fist fight ensued between him and the driver while the other dude decided he’d had enough and peeled out in his own car.

My wife asked if we should call the police, and as always, probably because I don’t like to get involved, plus they weren’t really connecting with their punches, I said, "No." I tried to go back to my grilling, but they got a bit louder, signifying that their pseudo-fight was starting to get more heated. I opened our side gate and continued watching them. Chris was trying to get something from the other guy’s right hand. It was metallic silver and by God when I heard the click I yelled for my wife to get me the phone on our deck and to go in the house.

But I wasn’t sure. Was it a gun? Turned out he had a pair of pliers and at one point he was swinging them wildly at Chris. Disgusted, thinking they’re both drunken jerks, I went back to the steaks which were now overcooked. We ate our dinner inside with the television on just loud enough to drown out their shenanigans.

Today’s picture: As a fifth-grader in 1973, I received my first pellet gun. I knew the responsibilities involved having taken a gun safety course. I still have that pellet gun, among other firearms.

In last week’s news: Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm signed six bills that would give armed citizens who shoot in self-defense added protection against lawsuits and criminal charges. Unfortunately, our dear Republicans, who introduced these bills, cried foul, saying she didn’t really believe in them, that she really did it to gain votes, afterall, her constituents are the antigun crowd. I’m just glad that as a homeowner, I’m no longer required to flee my property. In fact, I can now use deadly force not only in my home, but my garage and yard as well. Barn too, (although, I don’t have one).

Advice from a current student of mine doing time for domestic violence: Never date a barmaid because there’s free alcohol involved. Turns out, he violated his parole by bringing a pellet gun into a bar and threatening his girlfriend. Do they have enough laws protecting a place of business? Our dear barmaid could’ve saved the taxpayers some money and not faced criminal prosecution or lawsuits if she just . . . well, you know . . . imagine that.