THIS ONE’S NOT FOR THE BIRDS

SEE BELOW.
For more winning entries go to The Thinker's Theory of Thought.

THE 2006 "SYTYCB" WINNING ENTRY

TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR REMODELING.

A NEW YEAR'S EVE TRIBUTE

The most difficult public reading I’ve ever done occurred on January 3, 2004, at the Chas. Verheyden Funeral Home in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. My father-in-law had died from complications related to Parkinson’s Disease on New Year’s Eve, and as my wife made phone call after phone call where she was greeted with “Happy New Year,” I sat in my mother-in-law’s living room putting together his eulogy. Although I’ve lost my original words, I still have four small notecards in my nightstand, a semi-outlined presentation of what I needed to say. In honor of my father-in-law, I’ve recreated those words. What better way to end my last post of 2006 then to pay tribute to a man I loved with all my heart and still miss. Here it is:

Parkinson’s is a funny disease. Some of you may have already heard this story; however, it’s worth telling again. One day, C___ and I went to visit her dad at his home. We knew with Parkinson’s that he had good days and bad days. On this particular day I needed to borrow a battery charger. I thought he had one, I just couldn’t recall how many volts it was or where he had kept it. All I could recall was that it was the color blue. After our visit, I told C___ “your dad was really sharp today. He told me his battery charger was on his workbench in the basement and the correct voltage and that I was more than welcome to borrow it.”

On the drive home, battery charger by my side, I had determined that he was having a good day. It didn’t matter, as C___ pointed out, that he did not know who we were on this particular occasion. It did not matter that he did not know his very own daughter or son-in-law. You see: He was willing to help out a complete stranger on that very day. That was the type of man he was—a quiet, gentle, generous man.

Parkinson’s is a funny disease. But it did not define him. It only magnified his character. In the nursing home he smoked his imaginary pipe. Why? Because he had smoked a pipe for years. He gave me imaginary money from his imaginary wallet. Why? Because he had always bought me dinner and drinks. He showed concern for his income tax. Why? Because he was an accountant for GM and didn’t want to miss his filing deadline. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t done his taxes in years. He also traveled plenty. He took his wife of 45 years on numerous cruises. He even paid for my vacation more than once. Two years ago, when he was in the nursing home, before we sprung him from the joint, he complained (but only mildly) that “this is the worst cruise ship I’ve ever stayed on.”

Although he had Parkinson’s, he never lost his motivation to walk. I can only guess that it was from all those years of waltzing with his wife. He never ever complained. He served his country in WWII. He wasn’t too fond of having his picture taken; however, earlier this week, we managed to find approximately 700 photos of him. Since he was 81, I’m sure there are even more pictures. If you haven’t had the opportunity to see parts of the DVD slide show I put together, please take a moment in celebrating his life with us. In closing: Daniel S____ will be missed, but not forgotten.

To start the new year off with a bang, I will repost my winning entry of The Thinker's 2006 Championship Round of the SYTYCB Contest (So You Think You Can Blog). Here’s to the year 2007! May we enjoy it to the fullest.

I NOW HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER

I wish I could get my brain to function at a four or five star Sudoku level at regular intervals where my recollections of events fall into place with ease. I’m not necessarily speaking about the digits one through nine either, instead, I like doing those sixteen digit puzzles with an added twist of filling in the diagonals correctly. Unfortunately my mind doesn’t always see things clearly and I end up relying on luck. When I write, I’m constantly checking the dictionary and thesaurus for a better word, a more comfortable word, and to be quite frank, there aren’t many words that I’m comfortable with. So, just like a Sudoku puzzle where I arbitrarily test a number, I usually settle for my original choice and hope that I made an adequate decision.

Back in my college days, a drinking buddy talked me into celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish Pub even though neither of us is Irish. There’s not much about that night that I remember. I’m not even sure if we were at the Blarney Stone or the Shamrock. I do know one thing, or maybe two things—no, make that three things. I drove. I sang along with the house band. And I drank way too much green beer. The next morning I could hardly function. My buddy gave me a wake-up call.

“Hey,” he said, “Did you have fun last night.”

“Too much,” I answered.

“Did you forget something?” he asked.

I thought about his question. I remembered going to the bathroom near the entrance of the pub and then stepping outside for some fresh air, but very little else. “No … not really,” I guessed.

After a brief moment of silence, he yelled into the receiver, “Me, you asshole!”

With New Year’s Eve fast approaching and plenty of parties to attend make sure your travel arrangements are in order. Drinking and driving isn’t worth the risk. I’ve had my share of close calls and have witnessed first hand the misery of certain individuals locked up for vehicular manslaughter. Today’s photo shows my designated driver taking her road test at a very early age. Thirty-some years later, her skills have come in handy, carting me arse from place to place when absolutely necessary.

B-I-N-G-O & BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O

I overheard a conversation in the employee lunchroom the other day between the Assistant Deputy Warden for Programs (ADW) and a School Officer about Bingo. Before I go into the details, let me explain how crowd control works at our facility and throughout the Michigan Department of Corrections. First of all, each inmate receives a printout of their itinerary for the day. Everything from a kitchen detail to weight pit to church to school. Security has always been a concern, and now that a computer can track each inmate’s whereabouts, every breathing body should be easily accounted for. All inmates must show their photo id and itinerary to gain access to an area. None of this, “I have so-and-so’s permission to be here.”

Now back to the conversation. The ADW for Programs wanted to know why the School Officer did not make allowances for prisoners enrolled in academic classes to play Bingo in the school. The School Officer informed him that it was not on their itinerary. “But they’re not in class this week,” the ADW for Programs pointed out. “Then someone should’ve changed their itinerary ahead of time,” the School Officer countered.

Both employees had valid arguments as to why or why not certain inmates could or could not play Bingo; however, security always prevails. The bottom line: If some event on an inmate’s itinerary is canceled that doesn’t mean the inmate can change his plans for the day—a done deal is a done deal. The School Officer was doing his J-O-B. He even caught a few inmates out of place and shook them down. I’m not sure if part of the Bingo prizes were peppermint candies, Hershey Kisses, and bite-sized candy bars, but I will say this, “The extra boost in sugar helped me get through the day.”

Incidentally, the last time I played Bingo was with my mother in a smoke-filled church hall. I remember a rather large woman asking if the chair next to me was occupied. I nodded no, and she proceeded to push my two bingo cards to the edge of the table so she could lay out her forty-some cards. By the way: Isn’t Bingo gambling?

ANOTHER DAY IN THE JOINT

I could’ve taken that stretch of time off between Christmas and the New Year and traveled south for some much needed rest and relaxation, but I chose to work instead. My fondest memory of a vacation where I did absolutely nothing is probably the time my wife and I rented a condominium in Orlando, Florida. My alarm clock came in the form of a leaf blower humming along at the crack of dawn. Angry, I had decided to give the lawn maintenance person an earful. Only problem: he did not a-speaka-da-English. So I got up early and read a novel by Sue Miller appropriately titled, “The Distinguished Guest.” I had become familiar with her work back in the mid-80’s with a subscription to Ploughshares. Her short story, “What Ernest Says,” not only peeked my interest in her writing—the story itself, about the relationship between a young white girl and a black boy who sat directly behind her in class—made me realize that not everything appears as it should.

I decided to work this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday in the prison. The best time to be in a correctional facility is during the holidays because most of the prisoners are too damned depressed to argue with you. Funny thing is, when I first went into teaching I had one thing in mind: summers off and lots of vacation time. I remember my mentor, Mrs. Lillian Fishtahler (pictured above, January 4, 1988), telling me that vacations wouldn’t be easy to come by. “Are you kidding me?” I asked, somewhat surprised at her statement. Now I understand. She encouraged me to continue my studies and perhaps was the only staff member at Oakland University who understood my need to work while doing my student teaching. Who else was going to pay my school bill?

So, as a correctional educator, not everything appears as it should. I’m spending my three workdays scoring tests, writing student evaluations, and replenishing the handouts in my file cabinets. Although my prisoner contact is minimal this week, I’m looking forward to a better 2007, where I can help a few of them obtain their GED.

BUILDING A BETTER WACKENHUT

Now that Christmas has come and went, I guess I’ll go ahead and mention the most interesting gift I received. We all get them, that one thing that we really don’t need but for some reason get because it defines who we are. This year’s most interesting gift came from my wife: Prison Tycoon.

According to the back cover, private prisons have become the new growth industry. Although I haven’t played it yet, the object to this computer game is to turn a profit while dealing in human misery. I have to build a small dormitory, mess hall, school, and factory. Also, I must hire and control prison staff, set up and run my prison industries, influence prisoner morale through various activities, establish a sound reputation, and manage prisoner sentences from time off for good behavior to rehabilitation (yeah, sure).

As I become successful in running my low security prison, the level of difficulty will increase. More gang related incidents will occur. More violence. Even murder. The inside cover, under “Getting Started,” warns the potential gamer that they will not be able to build a death row right away. Imagine that. Should I be disappointed in not having the ability to pull the switch on an inmate? Here’s to hoping my newest gift will help reduce work related stress. If not, there’s always that one liter bottle of Seagram’s VO my mother-in-law bought me for Christmas.

What unusual gift did you get this year?

FINDING MYSELF NEVER SATISFIED

When you know where the story’s going, and you know what you need to accomplish, you tend to approach the structure of the novel with the sensibility of a car mechanic. You want to get into the engine and tinker. There’s a satisfaction in just making the damn thing run.
—Allen Morris Jones, author of Last Year’s River

I’m no mechanic. I don’t like getting my hands dirty. Something about grease under my fingernails bothers me to no end. I won’t even change the oil on my van, preferring instead the $19.95 Jiffy Lube special. My dad’s just the opposite, a retired toolmaker, he doesn’t mind looking under the hood of a vehicle or crawling below it with a wrench. When I announced that I was quitting engineering school, he was quick to ask, “What’re you going to do? I’m not going to let you live here and work some piddly job. You better have a plan.”

The only real plan I had was to “find myself,” to move on to the next challenge in life and to discover my place in the world. Shortly after dumping my college major, he lined up a factory job for me as a sweeper. I quickly declined the offer. “All these years I’ve worked there, paying the bills and putting food on our table," he said, "and now it’s not good enough for you!”

The real irony about my not working in a factory is that I think I would’ve become acclimated to the environment quite easily. It’s not hard for me to imagine myself going to the Paper Clip Lounge every day, having a liquid lunch, and kibitzing with a bunch of assembly line workers. Hell, I’d probably fight for the overtime too. What terrified me the most about my dad’s offer was that I might become too complacent. I never set foot in his manufacturing plant, even though he had worked there for most of his forty years of employment—sixteen years of it on the midnight shift.

I remember eating cold cereal in the morning while he poured himself a beer and tomato juice and told my brother and I to “have a good day at school.” On the weekends we’d go to our family cottage and ride minibikes up and down the street and through the woods while he tinkered away on a spare minibike in the garage. Today’s photo shows the very same Suzuki 50 I rode some thirty year ago. It’s in mint condition. My parent’s store it in their walk out basement. Click here to see me as a child, zooming down the road, my destination unknown. I’m still trying to find my niche in life.

CHRISTMAS MORNING

The weight of my stocking pulled the brass holder off the fireplace mantle and onto the wood laminate flooring. Nothing broke, I can assure you of that, having left my stocking lying there until morning, but it most certainly awoke me in the middle of the night. Considering my young age and sense of practicality—I don’t believe in fat men sliding down chimneys unless they’re of criminal mind (you read about such characters getting stuck and crying for help until the police arrive, or worse: suffocating in their own stupidity)—so I rolled over and went back to sleep.

My wife says I can sleep through a plane crash in our backyard, but for some reason, today I had to get up early and investigate the damage. My greatest concern was that the brass stocking holder chipped the wood laminate; however, the only real damage happened to be a few broken Werther’s Original Candies that undoubtedly softened the blow. I thought about unsavory characters, the Billy Bob Thornton type, doing B & E’s and stealing presents from under Christmas trees. Of course, this would be perfectly acceptable if some tragic circumstance, some malady, some horrible affliction, motivated Mr. Bad Santa to overcome electronic burglar alarm systems and locked doors. Hey, what can I say—a Santa Claus of this nature interests me a hell of a lot more than some good natured jolly old man spreading joy and cheer all over the world for no real apparent reason except to make us forget about our troubles. Let’s be real—Christmas Day to some only magnifies their unfortunate circumstances. I’d rather take a look under the microscope and see if I can come up with some of the dirt, some of the unfortunate events that most people would rather ignore. Isn't that what makes a character interesting? I leave you with some advice on creating fictional characters from John Dufresne:

Once I get to know a character, I want to know even more about them, so I keep digging into their pasts. And I also feel that every character in a story is the central character in his or her own story, and I try to suggest what that story might be. Every character has an imagination and memories, has suffered childhood traumas, has or has had a mom and a dad. Every character has regrets. Every character has secrets. Every character has a public self and a private self and a self that he doesn’t even know about.. Every character has a history, a formative past. And I need to know all that when I write the story. I want to tell what happened in a character’s life. But I want to know why it happens and I want what happens to be told in a surprising way, surprising for me and for the reader.

WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND

I worried what people would think of me when they read “The Widow’s Poet,” and whether anyone would publish it. Eventually, I was able to face down my fears, and tell myself that I can write anything I want if I’m willing to take responsibility for it.
—Melissa Pritchard

I’ll admit it, I’m one of those people you see on the news frantically shopping for presents on Christmas Eve. I’d like to tell you otherwise, that I put a lot of thought and planning into finding just the right gifts, but then I’d be telling you a bold face lie.

When I was a high school senior and working at a small town grocery store, the manager sold me a case of toilet paper on Christmas Eve right before closing time. While the cashiers counted their tills and the stockboys shagged carts and mopped floors, I haphazardly wrapped my gift in glossy advertisements. I didn’t think of the message I might be sending to my parents. You bought this, my dad’s expression seemed to indicate, because you think we’re full of what?

When I was dating my future-wife, about eight years after the TP episode, she confessed that her family had a unique gift exchange tradition. “You don’t have to go shopping,” I heard her say, “just pick out something from your home, something you no longer need that might give my family some insight as to who you are. And don’t worry about fancy paper, ribbons, or bows, wrap it in the comics instead.” I thought, Wow, here’s a girl near and dear to my heart!

Although I can’t remember exactly what I had given on our first Christmas Eve together (I think it was a variety of magnetic locker mirrors), I do remember drawing a low card and having to wait my turn to select a gift. I also remember the gift I brought going early in the first round. My feelings of joy and anticipation turned to anxiety when someone groaned at having opened a hideous looking candle that had been passed around year after year. As for me, when it was my turn, I received a box of laxatives.

A HORSE WITH NO NAME

Even the most ordinary lives, once you begin to press on them a little, reveal themselves to be full of the most affecting pathos.
—Vikram Chandra, author of Love and Longing in Bombay.

It’s so easy to say “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year,” yet at work I’ve omitted it from my repertoire. These expressions, along with “Good Morning,” have been shelved for quite some time. Not that I’m wishing ill will on the prisoners, I really really do hope that their holidays are filled with peace. But after fifteen years, I’ve become condition to saying things a little differently. For instance: instead of the usual “Good Morning,” I say, “Morning.” I used to slip up and the usual response was, “What the &%#!@ is so damned good about it?!!!”

Yesterday, a few of the inmates wished me a “Merry Christmas,” and I did not reciprocate. A simple “Thanks” was all I said. They understood. Other inmates waited around for a “Merry Christmas” in return. To them I said, “Hey, try not to have a shitty holiday.” Laughing, they understood too.

As for saying nothing at all, the coworker I had problems with signed his retirement papers the day he and I had the blow out, and I, in turn, did not sign his farewell card. He is gone. I did not tell him to enjoy his retirement. What’s the point? No matter where he goes, a cloud of misery will follow. Here’s to wishing him well. And I seriously mean it. If I didn’t, he’d still be looking for his car keys .

Now it’s time to get the show on the road. Snow or no snow, Christmas is here! Time to spend it with family and friends. When I see my brother (if he hasn’t already read this post), I’ll tell him that the horse was definitely mine. It was the start of a natural progression. From there I became an American Indian (somehow mistaken for a squaw). After that, I became Gene Autry, the singing cowboy.

Before I ramble on any further: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE NEAR AND FAR.

THE HORSE & THE TRACTOR

I lived on a little farm in the mountains, really an old-timey farm. We didn’t have a car or truck or tractor. We plowed with a horse, kept our milk and butter in the springhouse, that sort of thing.
—Robert Morgan, author of Gap Creek

The horse and the tractor, cherished then neglected, more influential to me now, then when my brother and I unwrapped each during Christmas. The horse, in all its natural beauty, belonged to me, a future teacher of convicted felons (go figure); the tractor—a John Deere or Farm All, depending on the color paint—belonged to my brother, the future engineer in the family. Both gifts seemed appropriate not only to us, but also to the giver, our grandfather, a Michigan farmer.

I’m not sure how much influence a single toy has on a child. It’s the cumulativeness of it all that makes the difference. A constant barrage of Barbie dolls, Madeline Tea Sets, Easy-Bake Ovens, and Nifty Knitters may bring out the femininity in a young male. Not that I ever received such gifts; My beating came in the form of Halloween costume accessories. Other than that, we received Little Tikes Tool Benches, GI Joes, and Bop'em Boxing Gloves. Our young father, looking onward, certainly approved of these choices.

The horse and the tractor. The horse is a more gender-neutral offering. Young mothers, faced with a decision, would choose the horse before the tractor for their daughters. The tractor, on the other hand, seems to be gender specific.

When I look at this picture (it’s the only one where I’m sitting on my grandfather’s lap) I can’t help but think of the Huron Daily Tribune, about my grandfather's tragic accident. I was eight or nine years old at the time. I’m sure my mother still has the article tucked away somewhere. And I’m most certain there’s a newspaper photo of a car being pulled from the frigid waters beyond the pier, the chain taut, neither horse, nor tractor, hauling it away.

TWO HOUSES, ONE ASSIGNMENT

Last weekend I had carrot cake and coffee at The Pasta House in Kinde, Michigan. I never thought I'd do it. There's nothing there. A post office, a gas station, and The Pasta House.

I also set foot in The House of Sternberg. Literally. He's a retired educator who still enjoys dishing out homework. His lastest assignment: Write a 1,000 word (or less) short story dealing with a weird addiction. His circle of fellow writers/bloggers discuss each other's work after the assignment is turned in (posted).

Since I'm a man of few words, I graciously accepted his assignment. If you haven't read my story, "Adopted Behaviors," then scroll downward; it's my last post. For more short stories on weird addictions, go to The House of Sternberg. Better yet, if you're a fiction writer, look for his next assignment. I was pleasantly surprised at the comments everyone left regarding my story. More comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

A. B. (FLASH FICTION)

The subject matter is dictated in part by my subconscious, and I don’t care to force it to behave one way or another.—Rick Moody



Currently up for adoption. Wish me luck!

THE ENCOUNTER AT NORMAN'S

I’ve always considered myself the creep magnet, drawing anything out of the norm into my magnetic field. The buggered-up child with a prosthetic arm grabbing the tail of my shirt. The town drunk cleaning his glass eye with a yellowish handkerchief while giving me directions. The three-hundred pound welfare mom with an affectionate smile and a business card that says, “Jesus is your savior.” I sometimes wonder why they gravitate toward me or vice-versa. In college I dated a militant gal, president of the NOW Chapter (National Organization of Women) at Oakland University. One time—the last time to be honest—I stopped over to her house unannounced and her mom informed me she was in the backyard. I saw her lying in a chaise lounge sunning herself. As we began to talk, I noticed that two of her toes on each foot were connected but had individual toenails. My eyes couldn’t help looking at them. Over and over. Without offering an explanation, and perhaps a bit irritated, she put on some tennis shoes. I had learned later on that her feet were a less severe result from a drug that her mother once took during pregnancy. I was dating a thalidomide baby.

As the late Jim Morrison would say, “People are strange,” and it’s sure nice to see the tables turned once in a blue moon, especially when I’m one aisle over, listening to a lopsided conversation through the shoe racks. We’re at Norman’s in Bad Axe, Michigan, perusing their irregular clothing and other slightly odd merchandise. They buy truckloads of defective stuff and sell it at discounted prices; seems appropriate, doesn’t it? Anyway, this seventy-year-old man in bib overalls and a Dickie ball cap (that’s how my wife described him) says, “I bet I know where you got that purse.”

My wife looks in the direction of two young children goofing around in the middle of the aisle before she realizes the man is speaking to her. She detects a strong body odor.

“I bet I know where you got that purse,” he repeats now that they’ve made eye contact.

Not knowing how to reply, my wife answers as if it were a knock-knock joke. “Where?”

“Around your shoulder,” he says, his eyes moving downward.

With a nervous smile, my wife clutches her purse closer to her body.

“Are those your kids?” he asks.

Before she can say yes a woman peaks her head around the corner and yells, “Get over here! Now!” The children disappear.

“Are you by yourself?” he continues.

“No,” my wife’s quick to answer, her voice getting a bit louder, “I’m here with my husband.”

“He gave me the creeps,” she said to me afterward.

“Welcome to my world,” I replied.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE MOXIE

You are looking at Moxie, the latest addition to my extended family of pets. He’s faster than you think, faster than myself. I’ve always been the type of person that’s slow to react to given situations whether it be dealing with a manipulative coworker, throwing an inmate out of my classroom, or changing this blog to the beta version. I guess we’re all creatures of habit, trying to stay within our comfort zones. For the most part, I don’t like change.

The crazy loon I dealt with on Wednesday prior to my going home in frustration and anger signed his retirement papers that day. He should’ve never been allowed to work for the Michigan Department of Corrections for twelve years. His personnel records may be larger than some of the inmates’ criminal files. Come mid January he’ll be able to substitute teach in a public school (I cringe at the thought of it). At least this is a good change for me. Knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll try to tough it out.

As for inmate stupidity, I had to answer a questionnaire regarding Prisoner Otto's whereabouts for the three days he did not attend my class. According to the Hearing Investigation Report the prisoner says he attended class and he would like the security cameras checked. I had to provide a written statement in regards to the following: Is it possible that this prisoner was in your class on 12/07/06 and missed being counted? Explain why or why not. No. Mr. Otto did not attend my class on the day in question. He was informed prior to this date that he must attend my class regularly. Also, on 12/11/06 and 12/12/06, he did not attend. School Officer Triplet discovered him in another classroom. "Out of Place / AWOL" tickets were written. (I jokingly told the Hearing Investigator that perhaps they could check the security camera in regards to my latest incident with the crazy coworker; she told me she only handles inmate situations.)

Lastly, this beta blogger switch has me puzzled. Did I miss a window of opportunity? In an attempt to convert, I’m told that I can not make the necessary change. Why is that? Do I have too many post? I don’t think so. I could start a new blog instead. I feel lost in the blogosphere. Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated.

KOOKY IS AS KOOKY DOES

A fellow coworker has been harassing me for far too long. His latest tactic: When no one’s around, except for the security camera in the hallway, he’ll turn his back toward me and in a deep baritone voice say, "Excuse me." He’s not trying to start a friendly conversation. Calling me "a punk" and suggesting I take a swing at him severed all forms of communication (except for memorandums) approximately three years ago. No, this coworker, who claims he’s retiring at the first of the year, is once again trying to provoke a fight—his last ditch effort to get me to do something that will get me fired and perhaps line his pockets with cash.

Yesterday, as I sat in my classroom preparing for my first hour, he stood outside my door and said, "Excuse me." I didn’t acknowledge him. So he said it again, "Excuse me." Then a third time, "Excuse me." When I finally looked up, he was gone. As I proceeded to the office, he stood by his classroom door waiting for me to pass. "Excuse me," he said, once again turning the other way.

"I don’t know what to make of it," I told my boss, "but I’m requesting an intervention with him right now." She knew exactly who I was referring to. I figured I had nothing to lose, perhaps we could air our differences.

She asked him, "Why are you continuously saying ‘Excuse me’ to Mr. T.?"

First he denied saying anything at all, then he claimed I almost bumped into him in the hallway (hmmm, wouldn’t the security camera have that on tape?). Then he started making faces at me while our boss spoke. Totally creeped out, I said, "I’m not going to put up with this nonsense. I’m going home." I have plenty of banked leave time, so I might as well use it. Hopefully, when I return, he’ll be gone.

GIVE THE MAN-CHILD A PACIFIER

If you’re a bleeding heart liberal and I tell you a bold face lie that the Michigan Department of Corrections number one goal is to rehabilitate prisoners you’d probably believe me. If, on the other hand, you’re an ultra right wing conservative and I tell you that the MDOC’s main objective is to punish each and every inmate for their past criminal behavior, again, you’d probably take me for my word. But guess what? Neither statement is correct.

Anyone believing in rehabilitation needs to take a long hard look at the people incarcerated. We’re not talking about puppies and sunshine here. We’re talking about pathological liars and thieves. I use the word "thieves" loosely—meaning killers (thieves for stealing lives), rapists (thieves for stealing sex), thugs (thieves for stealing someone’s health or destroying their property), and robbers (thieves for stealing money and personal belongings). Most prisoners, when opportunities arise, will prey on your weaknesses, and if they get caught doing something they shouldn’t, they’ll turn around and blame their victim. Here’s a simple example: An inmate in my classroom continuously turned up missing. I wrote two consecutive "Out of Place" tickets on him. "You lied on me," he said, "I came to school. I was in another classroom." He felt that it was okay to be where he shouldn’t have been because the other teacher never said anything to him. What kind of shit is that?

Let me get back on track. The main objective of the MDOC is to protect the public at all cost. Pacify these men, if you will, with basketball, softball, weight pit, floor hockey, Ping-Pong and many other recreational activities. Pacify these men with ESPN, ESPN2, FX, MTV, BET, VH1, Spike, SciFi, TNT,USA, A&E, CMT, Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, National Geographic, The History Channel, and many other cable stations. (Yes, they have cable television. In fact, they get more channels then I do.) Lastly, wouldn’t you feel better knowing that some asswipe is off the streets doodling away his time in prison instead of looking for his next victim? I know I sure would.

THE REAL STORY

Elves, don’t you understand what you have done? You both became so angry with one another that you forgot to make your toys out of love. You put so much bad feeling into making these toys that they came to life with anger inside them.
—Santa Claus, "The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat."


Always the skeptic, my version of Jessica and Owen’s discovery of a kitten and puppy on Christmas Eve takes a serious turn for the worse. These two wayward critters—didn’t they fall from Santa’s sleigh and wander the night through the forest?—aren’t cute and cuddly; they’re mangy, they’re damaged goods. They’re not so much put together by warring elves, no sirree—one’s from a puppy mill and the other came from love-passionate screaming alley cats. That’s how the procreation equation factors in.

Reality may be harsh, not at all like the story’s fairy tale ending where the Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog find harmony and love in their new home, where the brother and sister lovingly share and look after each other’s pet. Ask an animal shelter employee about the busiest time of the year and they will tell you, "We get more animals right after the holidays. As soon as the novelty of owning a pet wears off."

Speaking of pets, my wife and I are still feeling the sting from the loss of Bear, our black lab. We’ve found remnants of him under throw rugs and furniture. No more discussion about another dog yet. My wife’s been unusually kind to me lately, perhaps she’ll bring it up soon. Yesterday, she packed my lunch—homemade chili with beans, onions, and a cheese and sour cream topping. She hates beans, I should’ve known something was seriously wrong with her sudden act of kindness. It wasn’t until I arrived home from work and my stomach was doing backflips, that I realized where she had gotten the idea: leftovers from when our dog was sick and eating cheap hamburger and rice. I guess she thought I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between good hamburger and cheap hamburger.

EXPOSED, THE SHOWER SCENE

Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay just a little while longer? Just for talk?
—Norman Bates, Psycho


Someone commented on my last post about the JR Thumbprints Band. I can assure you there is no such monster. I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and I’m almost certain that if I tried to sing in the shower something dark and sinister would happen to me. I can see the knife’s shadow rising and falling, rising and falling, a continuous violent jerking motion straight out of Alfred Hitchcock’s movie Psycho, rising and falling, my poor defenseless forearms giving way to the attacker, my hands grabbing the shower curtain, the eyelits tearing away from the hooks.

Such horrific thoughts are unnecessary. I am not a warbler. There’s no sense in committing to a New Year’s resolution, where at the stroke of midnight I say to my wife, “Okay dear, I promise to never ever hide the kitchen knives from you again.”

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, soon the gym I workout at will be crawling with new members. Physical trainers will be demonstrating how each weight machine functions and how to punch in the personal FitLinx code. If only they’d give our new members a complete tour of the facilities. Last year, while lathering up, I saw an Indian woman standing at the entrance. She sent her seven or eight year old daughter through the men’s shower area and into the locker room to use the bathroom. I turned my naked derriere toward them. I wanted to yell something, but nothing came out—the knife—rising and falling—rising and falling.