THE GREAT MARCHENKO'S CATCH-22

“You shouldn’t’ve violated the conditions of your parole,” I told an inmate sulking in my classroom. His first bit involved a B&E, where his partying friends encouraged him to steal an expensive scale from a specialty store. The idea was to use it for weighing their dope. Never mind that they lost sight of their goal when one of the inmate’s friends thought it would be funny if they called the cops on him.

“What?” the inmate asked incredulously, “The Great Marchenko,”—he often referred to himself in the third person, as if observing himself from a distance would ease his pain—“can’t drink a beer in his own home?”

“Was it a condition of your parole?” I pressed.

“The Great Marchenko can’t have a beer in his own home?” he repeated.

Knowing the circumstances of his first felony conviction, I was somewhat embarrassed for him; I asked anyway, “What? Did Operation Night Hawk come pounding down your door?”

“Worse,” he said, “my wife called the cops!” He explained that he was sitting in his favorite La-Z-Boy watching a football game when the Five-O arrived.

I could tell he was looking for sympathy. I’m no dummy. “Marchenko,” I asked, “were you smacking the old lady around prior to the opening kick-off?”

He wouldn’t answer me.

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Please exam the bottom half of the displayed Prisoner Assaultive Risk Screening Sheet. Take a closer look at the series of questions. Notice how tying the knot, at least once in your lifetime, can make you less assaultive. The irony.