NO MORE SQUARES

My employer is weaning the inmates from their tobacco addictions in preparation of the 2009 smoking-ban. The prison commissary continues to stock less and less Bugler, rolling papers, and matches. Come January 1st, the shelves will have more space for healthier items. Tofu perhaps. Or carrot sticks. Come February 1st, all tobacco products will be considered contraband. Not even prison employees will be able to light-up.

My employer has issued eight memorandums so far to cover a multitude of hypothetical situations. The latest: staff and visitors arriving on prison grounds via public transportation, motorcycle, bicycle, or moped … will be given the opportunity to secure their cancer sticks in the visitors or staff lockers. This, of course, is the only exception. Those who drive trucks or cars must secure their squares in their vehicles. Also, no smoking will be allowed on state grounds, this includes cigarette breaks inside parked cars. Can’t do it; they have cameras monitoring the parking lot.

It’ll be interesting to see what transpires from a complete smoking ban. Even the Native American prisoners will no longer be able to keep tobacco in their medicine bags. Instead, they will be given the opportunity to use medicinal herbs. Matches and lighters are included on the banned list as well.

Of course, none of this will keep the inmates from smoking God-knows-what. I’m sure there’ll be a few torched electrical outlets. But hey, it’s for the greater good of everyone.

I’ll need to review all the self-defense pressure points and nerve motor points of the human body. You never know when an irritable inmate will try you. I’m already getting sick of all the sticky chewed sucker sticks tossed on my classroom carpet.