Statistically speaking, I'm willing to bet that the inmates I teach have sired more babies then your typical law abiding male. After small talk amongst themselves about my-baby-mama-this and my-baby-mama-that, I've been known to ask, "What's a poor man's retirement system?"I get the usual answers: rob a bank, sell some dope, run a scam. No sense in becoming a working stiff. No sense in having a 9 to 5 job —That’s for suckers. No sense in building up your 401K. Takes too long. Besides, honesty doesn't put you in the real money. You've got to have game. You've got to know how to be on the take. You've got to be a player.
I usually single someone out. "You're probably already banking your future on the poor man's retirement system."
"No I'm not," is the defensive response, followed by, "what're you talking about anyway?"
"Lots of kids, my man. Lots of kids. Maybe one of them will take care of you in your old age."
My social commentary never elicits pleasant remarks. I usually get cussed at, or someone tries to drag my personal life into the mix. Whatever they learn about me is mostly fictionalized for entertainment purposes. A little verbal sparring never hurt anyone.
Last week one of my tutors seemed a little punchy. I thought he was going to throttle a student. "What's going on?" I asked him.
He reached inside his shirt pocket and handed me a glossy black and white ultrasound picture. A current date and the name Valerie Michael were printed on it. "You want to read the letter that came with it?" he said, as if he was ready to fight me if I started teasing him. From what I’d gathered, this woman, someone he swears he's never heard of before, wrote him. He showed me the most damaging part--"Congratulations! It's yours."
I didn't know how to react, so I did the same. "Congratulations!"
"How the hell can it be mine when I've been locked up for three years!" he snapped back.
I shrugged my shoulders and told him that all kinds of things can happen in the visiting room. Then I asked if he was going to pass out cigars. He calmed down some and laughed with me.
Since he was in a chipper mood today, I asked for an update. Turns out Valerie Michael used to be Valerie Webster, his daughter. Without his knowledge, she divorced her first husband and married some other guy. Shortly after that she became pregnant. She sent him a follow up letter explaining the events of her life. He, on the other hand, did not like the way the message, the news, was initially presented, and explained to me that if she ever came to visit him, he was prepared to give her a piece of his mind. I advised him to be careful; "she just might be the one that’ll take care of you when you're old and feeble."
17 comments:
Idiocracy was an awesome movie.
You missed the obvious retirement system:
Go see the prison shrink and get a diagnosis and they'll send you a check.
You're right on the target with this one JR. I think the record I'd ever heard about was an acquaintances brother who had 12 children with 7 different women, a distant second was a "used to be next door neighbor" of mine who had 8 kids with 5 different women.
Neither one was doing a damn thing to support those kids, except maybe a small pack of diapers if they were close to the beer cooler and his 40 left him enough cash for the diapers.
Single parent homes seems to be hovering somewhere around the 50% mark and it's guys like this that make it a reality. Too bad the courts can't order the old snip and clip for men like this.
I've only got one son. I guess I put all my eggs in one basket.
Great post, Jim! I love the dialogue between you and guy with the ultrasound. That's such a good scene.
Retirement? What is that? Must we think about that when your 30 years old? LOL
Good Post JR!!!! Like always :-)
Loved the post! How's the pool coming along?
JR, you never talk about your little kids, but we have heard their voices, "Hey, you're not JK Rowling...". But I'm sure they will be there for you. But that's many, many years in the future, and by then you will be a famous, published author :-)
Cheers,
Josie
Josie, are you kidding? That's a poor man's retirement system!
JR correct me if I'm wrong. He is a child molester. His daughter may have been one of his victims and that was her way of cracking his coconut so to speak. MW:)
my boyfriend loved the movie Idiocracy. What a great picture!!!!
MW, what are you doing home so early? Shouldn't you be at work eradicating those planting marijuanna? That way, nasty students of mine won't throw their dirty underwear at officers during a nuts & butts shakedown.
Good story!
JR, you are so cruel. That walnut sized organ that makes us Male is seeking my demise...
Nothing that DR. V. his scope, and laser can't cure. Eradication.
Don't like the sound of it. Your turn is coming. Peace out MW:)
OOO. Good advice to the old guy. We all need to be thinking ahead. Maybe some more than others. Maybe some sooner than others.
Donnetta
do you have kids? have i missed something?
Jim, Good post!! "You're not JK Rowling"??? Wonder who's voices those are?? --Bro, Ron
Geez. I had an uncle like that. Made me sick.
On the other hand, I only have one kid, and she's already said if I'm nice, she'll find a retirement home for me that's not too vicious.. :)
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