This might sound crazy, or you might think I’m crazy, but I’ve been staying away from myself. What I mean is: I’m distancing those mental images of who I am from my thoughts—my identity, how I see myself—those etched in stone markings dictated by what I’ve observed around me.
We’re like bricklayers, building our walls and I, like so many others, have surrounded myself. I’m too tired, too comfortable to tear down those walls. I’ll not step away from any rubble any time soon.
This week we had an immobilization. The siren whirred at the end of our shift. We were placed on lockdown. We followed protocol. I went to the school office. I read my email. The first email offered me a Costco membership at a discounted group rate. The second email informed me of a particular student’s STG status. (For those of you who don’t know: STG stands for “Security Threat Group.”) The email informed me that he’s a Vice-Lord and that with the Deputy Director’s approval, he can attend school; however, his out-of-cell movement will be limited to one hour per day. Currently he’s waiting for a verdict on a non-bondable ticket for stabbing another inmate. Rumor has it he stuck his friend, a fellow Vice-Lord who "supposedly" had a shank tucked in his waistband. As the story goes, they were horsing around when his friend “accidentally” stuck himself, or so he says “Cuz you don’t rat on nobody in here.”
Outside our prison, two men in a stolen car made a break for it. With the police hot on their tail, they turned off I-94 and into a golf course where they ditched the car and ran on foot. Little did they know they were running toward our ERT (Emergency Response Team). Our corrections officers were armed and ready. How’s that for irony? Two men trying to get away from the police, not wanting to be arrested, yet approaching what they did not desire.
Our immobilization didn’t last long. The men were apprehended. We were free to go. As for that Costco Membership, it wouldn’t do me any good. I don’t travel their way.
14 comments:
Standing on the castle at the parapet looking out gives you a better view than standing on a pile of rubble. If the mason work of the structure is sound why tear at it?
You're not crazy but that's an extremely difficult thing to do. If you're able succeed, I think it would be a liberating experience.
Love that photo, Jim! Self-denial is like that -- we keep running away until we figure out that we're actually running into ourselves everywhere we go.
Personally, I tend to hang out with myself quite a lot.
Aww J.R. sounds like this shit is getting to you. Be good to yourself and be careful!
We’re like bricklayers, building our walls and I, like so many others, have surrounded myself. I’m too tired, too comfortable to tear down those walls. I’ll not step away from any rubble any time soon.
Every so often, one makes a run for the wall.
But the wall knows more than us about being alive.
He brains himself against it.
I know I did.
Agony when the goal is wrong.
Wonderful writing. I love it. I don't think you're crazy. I try to run from myself, too. She keeps catching me, though. She's a hard one to shake.
I hope you don't mind if I link you. I like your site, and it's good to see you again.
By the looks of it, some people build higher walls than others. Stupid criminals need to find a home, somewhere they can be loved, even if it means getting shanked once in awhile. Just don't fall on your own sword.
The crazy thing about walls is that sometimes you find yourself on the outside wishing to be back within the security of the familiar.
Some how this reminds me of the Beatles song' "I Am The Walrus."
Enjoyed the read. MW GO STATE !!!!
There's something to be said for walls sometimes, you know...They're not ALL bad.
Maybe I gaze in the mirror. Then try not to shatter it.
Very good writing, JR. D
That's a kind of dilapidated golf course, if it's the one I see off I-94, broken fences and all.
On a happier note, "Brick House" is a motivating song while running on a treadmill.
Ain't no one gonna blow the house down.
I love your writing, this is a very thoughtful post. It's interesting the reasons we build walls and the feeling of imprisonment we feel by our own design. But we do.
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